"Just let me ask of you one small thing
As we have shared so many tears
With fervor our dreams we planned a whole life long
Now are scattered on the wind..."
~ "The Path of Thorns (Terms)", Sarah McLachlan (used without permission)
I've seen people come, and I've seen them go. I've been present at births, and I've buried more friends, family and comrades than I'd care to admit, shedding mental tears at each and every occasion.
But there's been nothing quite like today.
I can hear the General eulogising her now. He asked me to speak instead - I told him I didn't think I could. There are just some things, some feelings, some people you can't put into words. I wouldn't have, and still don't know what to say.
I know I miss her. I know I miss her so much that it hurts, so much that I can't even pay attention to someone else's sorrowful thoughts and kind words. I know I'll miss her every day for the rest of my life.
How do you say goodbye to someone you miss so much and hold so dear?
Her death wasn't connected to any unusual circumstances; there were no radically sensational reasons for it. We were just out there doing our jobs. We travelled, we discovered, we fought. This time she lost, and as a result we've all lost.
If there's anything I can take some consolation in, it's in the fact that she died doing what she loved. We'd talked enough over the years for me to be painfully aware of that. She loved her job, she loved the stars, and she died up there with them.
The phrase 'in the line of duty' springs to mind.
I stood outside in the crisp mountain air last night, just watching the stars, wondering, perhaps a trifle foolishly, if she was looking back from somewhere. The great beyond. I'd like to think so. I don't want to believe that there could be nothing left but our memories of her. Memories which may be strong and vivid now, but will no doubt dim and lose clarity and truth over time.
I glance over at General Hammond, who is highlighted by a glowing blue backdrop, and speaking about her dedication - dedication to her country, her planet, her job, and the people she worked with. He gazes around the room as he says this, but his eyes come to rest where I stand with Daniel and Teal'c on one side, and Jacob Carter on the other.
What I wouldn't give for a punching bag right now. How could fate be so cruel as to prematurely take such a person away?
I watch sideways through semi-glazed eyes as a sombre and silent airman - his nametag identifies him as Murphy - hands a perfectly constructed wreath to her father. Jacob turns to me, proffering one edge of the entwined flowers in his arms. Slowly, dazedly, I accept both the symbol and the understanding I find in his eyes.
We walk, connected by the tribute, across the cold concrete floor and up the metal grates which act as a ramp in this facility. I look over at Jacob, and I can effortlessly read the question in his eyes. Am I ready to let go?
I guess the real question is ready to let go of what? The flowers yes, because they're not worth a damn to me, apart from the fact that they *are* here to represent our current state of mourning. But Sam? I don't think I will ever be ready to let go of her.
My first plan of attack was to attend the wake and simply drown myself - my regrets and sorrow - in as much liquor as I could lay my hands on, but somehow I know that while she might understand my reasoning, Sam wouldn't approve. And I guess she'd be right. If all I have left of her are the memories, then killing off a large portion of my brain cells does seem a rather defective idea.
I take a deep breath, planning on nodding my reply to Jacob's unspoken question, but apparently not all of me is in agreement.
"Wait."
Still holding my side of the wreath with my left hand, I reach down into a pocket and remove a small scrap of paper displaying the words I had so carefully crafted and presided over early this morning, in the hours when I found it impossible to sleep. I carefully tuck the slip in between a fold of flowers, reading the short line one last time.
*Sam, your love will endure and nourish me forever.*
"Nice," Jacob affirmed. "Ready?"
"As I'll ever be."
We reach out and gently place the floral ring into the event horizon, watching it float there for the briefest moment, before it's engulfed, swallowed and transported across the galaxy.
"Goodbye, Sam. I love you."
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The End
Story Notes: FEEDBACK: Absolutely! :)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, there's no great reasoning behind this, it was just begging to be written.
Copyright (c) 2000 Nicole K
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, there's no great reasoning behind this, it was just begging to be written.
Copyright (c) 2000 Nicole K
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]