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Life's a bitch. And then you die.
Sometimes more than once.
In our case, SG-1 that is, we tend to do things in the extreme. Each of us has died more than once. And I can't even count the times we've thought one of us was dead, or thought we were going to die.
But, that's in the 'death of the body' sense.
There's also the 'death of the soul' kind of thing too.
Now, there's a place I really don't want to go, but tonight, I just can't help myself. I'm sitting here in my office, alone, and feeling ... well, feeling all alone. I've just found out why everyone's mad at me, courtesy of one Dr Daniel Jackson. And I'm steeling myself to go and try to fix it. With the one person who deserves better than I have given. Carter.
I guess I better explain.
Since I got back from Edora, none of my team mates seem to want to hang out with me anymore. And practically everyone else on base has been giving me the cold shoulder treatment. Which surprised me a little. I mean, I know I'm not everyone's favourite guy. I can be a little sarcastic, sometimes belligerent, even a trifle cocky. Yes, I *can* admit some of my faults, but I'm not without some kind of charm, and I thought they might be just a little happier to see me back.
Danny seemed to always have some excuse not to be with me, and even Teal'c managed to look even more distant than usual. That's no mean feat, let me tell you. And Carter. Well, she just ignores me. No more laughing at my jokes, and that's really bad, 'cause she was the only one that ever seemed to laugh. No more of those special 'Carter smiles', the ones that I kinda always hoped she had reserved just for me. No more big, beautiful, blue eyes looking straight into my soul.
Nope. Nothing. Nada. Everyone was really pissed off at me, over something I'm supposed to have done. The only trouble is I didn't know what I'd done.
Until today.
I finally ran Daniel to ground in his lab. He tried to ignore me, hoping I'd go away. Looks like he's been learning from my 2IC. But I'm nothing if not stubborn, so I stayed there until he had to talk to me.
"Listen, Jack, what do you want? I'm busy here."
"I want to know what I've done wrong, Daniel." No beating round the bush, straight to the point. I caught him off guard. I usually do.
He stared at me angrily, over the top of his spectacles. "It's not what you've done, Jack. Well, no, actually in a way, I guess a lot of the problem *is* what you've done. But it's also what you *haven't* done."
"Daniel!"
"Okay. It's what you haven't done."
I was confused. I'm always getting into trouble for the things I do, what chance have I got if I don't even have to do anything to piss people off?
"And just what is it I haven't done, Daniel?"
He pushed his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose, and stared at me sadly. "You haven't thanked her."
I shook my head, trying to understand. "What are you talking about? Thanked who?" Suddenly it all became clear, like a light bulb had switched on, like in the cartoons. "Wait a minute, do you mean Carter? Is that what this is all about?"
"Sit down, Jack," he sighed, and then proceeded to tell me everything Sam had gone through to bring me back to my real home.
*******************
So that's where we are. I finally know everything. All about the sleepless nights, the near collapse, almost losing her apartment because she was too busy inventing a machine to get me home to remember to pay her bills. And now I don't blame any of them for being angry at me, especially her. I'm shaken up by the knowledge of what she had to do, just to get me here. I behaved like an idiot, something I do far too well.
Danny also said something else, something that Janet had told him. That Carter had missed me...but I'm sure he got that wrong. There's no way that she could feel anything more than friendship towards me. I couldn't be that lucky. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't deserve anything more than what I'm getting now. Her totally ignoring me. Even though I realized during my time away, that Sam meant more to me than just a friend. So much more, but that's a place we just can't go. I won't destroy her career. I love her too much to do that to her. I'm just not that good a prize to give it up for.
Unrequited feelings. It's no more than I deserve.
Okay, O'Neill. You know what you have to do. You have to make it up with her.
Try and get her to forgive you for being the idiot you can't help being. I finally get up from my desk, where I've been sitting these past hours since leaving Daniel, grab my jacket and keys and head topside. Steeling myself for what I know will not be an easy confrontation, but one that is surely one of the most important in my life.
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At her apartment, I knock at her door for what seems to be the umpteenth time. No answer. Maybe the guards got it wrong, maybe she wasn't heading home after all. I go to knock one last time, when the door swings open. She stands there, wearing sweats and an old T shirt, thick fluffy socks, hair mussed up, and looking for all the world like she's just woken up.
Oops.
"Hey Carter. I didn't..uh..wake you, did I?"
She glares at me. Got my answer.
We stand on the doorstep like that for ages. Maybe she figures if she doesn't speak to me, I'll get the hint and go away. Much as I think that's probably a good idea, I'm here for a reason, and I'm not going to get scared off.
Even if she does look like she's daring me to start a fight, and I remember she's a level three in hand to hand.
I finally get the courage to speak again.
"You gonna let me in?"
She sighs. "What do you want, /sir/?" I don't think I've ever heard anyone spit out 'sir' quite like that before.
"We need to talk, Sam." She looks unconvinced. I add quietly, "Okay, /I/ need to talk."
She turns and walks back inside, leaving the door open. I take this as the best I'm going to get, close it and follow her into the lounge room. Dust lies over the furniture, dead flowers sit in the vase on the coffee table. Force of habit, but I can't resist a wise crack. "Cleaning lady hasn't been this week, Carter?"
She glares as she plops herself down in the corner of the sofa. "I haven't been home much lately," she snaps.
I move the dead floral arrangement aside, and sit on the coffee table, facing her. Moments pass. Where the hell do I start?
Finally, words come. "Firstly, thank you. For getting me home. I should have said it straight away. And I'm so very sorry I didn't. I had no idea until now of what you went through."
"Who told you." She shakes her head, fists clenched, knuckles going white.
Uh oh.
I grab her hands, half in an effort to make sure she doesn't throw a punch at me, half just to make some kind of physical contact with her once again. She jerks her head sideways, away from my gaze, but leaves her hands in mine. Okay, it's a start.
"Sam." My voice is low, as I struggle with the important things I came to say. "Don't blame Daniel. I needed to be told, because I was too stupid to realise it for myself. You know me, I always need things explained." I shrug my shoulders, trying the lost little boy look, on the off chance it might work.
It hasn't. She's still not looking at me.
"Look, I know this is no excuse, but I was stuck there, all alone. I thought I'd never see Earth, or the SGC, or you, ever again. And I missed you so much. I thought I'd go crazy when I realized I'd never see you again. Then, just when I finally decided I better start doing something constructive with my life, instead of pining for what I could never have, you guys suddenly appeared, and I'm back here. It's taken a while to get used to. To actually have my real life back."
"You should have known that I would get you back." Her blue eyes were big and starting to brim with tears.
"I know. I should have trusted you. You always save my butt. And I don't deserve it."
She looks at me, and her eyes don't deny what I've just said.
Now I take a really, really deep breath. I wasn't going to say this to her, but I have to. Something inside me just made me realize I have to. I reach over and with my thumb, gently wipe a tear away from her cheek.
"And secondly..... Sam, I'm sorry about Laira."
I'm still holding her hand, and I feel it become limp. Not good. But I have to keep going. I have to do it, right now.
"I was alone, and I thought I wasn't going to get home. I realized I had to make some kind of life there. And she was kind and sweet, and lonely like me. But if I thought there was any chance of getting back to you, nothing would ever have happened."
"Sam. I'm going to say something. It's something I know I shouldn't say to you, but I have to. When I finish, you may want to hit me, but please just hear me out, okay?"
Silence. Okay, here goes.
"Sam, while I was on Edora I realized that I...uh...I have...feelings for you."
Okay, she hasn't hit me yet. Good.
"Feelings that...um...go beyond what I should feel for you, as my 2IC, as my friend."
I rush on now, hoping to get it all out without making a complete idiot of myself.
"I mean, who wouldn't? You're smart, and strong, and beautiful, and kind, and...look, I know I shouldn't feel this way, I know you don't feel the same about me, and I am stepping way out of line here, and you have every right to report me."
This is not going well. I shouldn't be giving her ideas about harassment charges.
"Sam...what I think I'm trying to say is...if there had been a 'you' in my life, there never would have been anyone else. Because if I'd had you, I wouldn't have needed or wanted anyone else. Ever. And I swore that if I ever had the chance to tell you that, I would."
It didn't work, I feel like a complete fool now.
She pulls her hand out of mine, and I close my eyes, waiting for it to connect with my face, because after all that rubbish, I deserve it.
But she doesn't hit me. Instead I feel her gently stroke my cheek, and when I open my eyes, she's gazing at me in wonder. I place my hand over hers again, and revel in the feel of its warmth. I've dreamed of her doing that, but I never, ever, imagined how wonderful it would actually feel.
I must look confused. Hell, I feel confused. She should be slapping me for stepping out of line, instead she's leaning towards me, opening her mouth finally to speak. I lean closer to hear what she's about to say.
"Why couldn't I feel the same way?" she whispers, just before her lips gently graze mine. The touch of her mouth on mine sends all sane thoughts shooting from my brain. I pull her towards me, and our lips meet again. Soft and warm, and deepening with passion long kept hidden. All I can think is that I'm kissing Carter, and she's kissing me back. We shouldn't be, but we are.
Sweet.
Screw the regs, we'll work something out. I'm not giving this up.
Ever.
********************
Life's a bitch. But sometimes, in between all the crap, there can be some incredible moments.
Sam saved me. From Edora. And from a life of bitter loneliness.
She rescued me. Once again.
Fin.
Copyright (c) 2001 Jill Everard
Story Notes: EMAIL: jevinaus@aol.com.au
SPOILERS: 100 Days
SEASON/SEQUEL: Set after '100 Days'
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis, samandjack. Others: if you want it, just ask :)
SPOILERS: 100 Days
SEASON/SEQUEL: Set after '100 Days'
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis, samandjack. Others: if you want it, just ask :)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]