"Revelations" By Sally Reeve
It was late and the cafeteria was dark, illuminated only by the soft glow of the vending machines. Sam was exhausted, more mentally than physically she realized, as she let the door swing shut behind her and walked slowly across the room. It had been a hell of a three months, living with the expectations and hopes of the whole SGC resting squarely on her shoulders, and she'd thrown herself into her work with a passion that was rather more than professional.
Her need to make it work, to go back for him and bring him home had been overwhelming. It had driven her day in and day out, invaded her restless sleep and had woken her up each morning with its gnawing insistence. It had kept her going when her mind and body had craved rest. And now it was gone. It was over. She'd done it, bent nature to her will and achieved the impossible, and she felt...flat. Squashed flat. Euphoria had burst like a soap bubble, leaving her listless and restless. And so, unable to sleep but too tired to do much else, she'd come in search of comfort. Chocolate was always a great comforter.
Reaching the candy machine she fed it a couple of quarters and chose the biggest, stickiest candy bar she could find. It dropped into the tray with a satisfying thud and she reached in to retrieve it.
Of course, she mused, allowing herself a moment of bitterness as she bit into the sweet chocolate, had she known then what she knew now things would have been different. Had she known that the Colonel had been playing happy families on Edora, that he'd already given up on
them, then maybe she'd have let the Tok'ra swing by to pick him up in a year or two. From the way he'd been acting since he'd gotten home, the Colonel would probably have been grateful. She gave a bitter laugh as she thought of herself pulling all-nighters while the Colonel was probably pulling all-nighters of quite a different sort....
"Something funny, Carter?"
His voice, speaking out of the darkened room, frightened the life out of her and she almost jumped into the air. "Sir!" she gasped, pressing a hand to her chest in an effort to still her suddenly racing heart. "I didn't see you."
Peering through the darkness, she could just make him out now, sitting at one of the tables next to the coffee machine. There were three or four empty plastic cups scattered across the table and she could just see the dark glint of his eyes in the machines' pale glare. "Sorry," he muttered, "didn't mean to frighten you."
"It's okay," she replied, taking a step closer. She frowned, "What are you doing here, sir?"
He shrugged and leaned back in his seat. "Can't sleep," he told her. "It's only about eighteen-hundred on Edora. Gate-lag, I guess."
"Right," she nodded, and then glancing at the coffee, added, "that's not going to help much."
"No," he agreed with a sigh, running his hand through his hair. "But I had a craving. Coffee was one of the things I missed."
"Oh," she replied, not sure what else to say and wondering how she could leave without seeming rude.
The Colonel cleared his throat, and after a moment he said, "Are you in a hurry, Carter?"
Oh crap. "Um.... Not really, sir," she replied, kicking herself for not telling him how tired she felt. But there was something about him, an unusual quality in his voice tonight, that intrigued her. That, and the fact that she'd missed the hell out of him the last three months. Not that she was entirely comfortable with how badly she'd missed him, but still.... "I had a craving too," she added with a smile, holding up the candy bar.
The Colonel smiled in response and she felt a sudden, unexpected tightening in her stomach. "Something else I missed," he said, but his eyes were fixed on her face and didn't dip once to the candy bar. Then he glanced away and shook his head. "Take a seat, Carter," he invited her, pushing out the chair opposite him with the toe of his boot.
She took it in silence, perching on the edge with her elbows on the table. "So," she said, looking at him more closely now that she could see him better. "This must be strange for you, sir."
"Yeah," he sighed. He wasn't looking at her and his fingers were playing idly with one of the plastic cups, ripping it slowly to shreds. "Incredibly weird."
He was unhappy, it was obvious. She could see it in the tense set of his shoulders, in his hooded eyes, and in the line between his eyebrows as he frowned down at the table. And she felt a pulse of sadness of her own; had she done this to him? Still watching him she quietly said, "I'm sorry."
"For what?" he asked, looking up sharply from beneath his brow.
She gave a little shrug. "You don't seem thrilled to be back, sir."
"That's not true," he said quietly. But his eyes slid away from hers, almost guiltily. "I'm ecstatic. Really. It's just…"
Jack drifted off into silence and Sam followed him there, allowing the stillness to expand around them. Her eyes were fixed on the half- eaten chocolate bar that she still held in one hand. It was beginning to melt under the warmth of her fingers and she put it down quietly on the table. "It must have been nice," she said softly, "not to have to get up and save the world every day."
O'Neill chuckled slightly and nodded, but didn't look up. "Things were simpler there," he agreed as he slowly peeled away another strip of the plastic cup. "Plant things, water them, build things, make food, eat food. The rhythm of life was slow. But real." He frowned and glanced up at her again. "It's hard to explain. Those people...all they had was each other. There was no government, no TV, no Air Force...nothing. Whatever they wanted, they had to make
for themselves - from food to fun. It was kinda liberating in a way."
"I understand," she assured him. "We live in a screwed up world...."
"...a screwed up goddamn galaxy," he amended.
Sam smiled. "Right," she agreed. "I can see how a vacation would have been nice."
His head jerked up at that, eyes flashing angrily as he leaned towards her across the table. "It wasn't a vacation," he said heatedly. "I didn't think I was *ever* coming back. I thought that was it. For the rest of my life. Can you imagine what that felt like?"
Looking away from his intense gaze, Sam shook her head. "I can try," she said, frowning into the darkness. "But, sir," she added, "you must have known we'd come back for you. We'd never leave you behind."
"The gate was gone," Carter, he said sharply. "Blown away. Gone."
She looked back at him, at the anger and confusion in his eyes. "The Tok'ra would have sent a ship," she said. "Or the Tollen."
He blinked. "A ship?"
"You didn't think of that?"
Frowning, he looked back down at the table. "No," he confessed. "I guess not." And then, after a moment he said, "So why didn't they?"
"What?"
"Why didn't they send a ship?"
Sam shrugged. "It would have taken months, maybe a year, to reach you. I didn't think you should have to wait that long."
"Then it was your idea?" he asked, his flash of anger fading. "The particle thing?"
She smiled. "Who else?"
"Good point," he agreed. "So, I guess...thank you."
"You don't have to say that, sir," she assured him. "You don't owe me any thanks. I was doing my job."
"You could have waited for the Tollen to swing by," he pointed out. "You didn't have to go the extra mile....I could have waited."
Sam shook her head and sighed, gazing down at her half-eaten candy bar. He really had no idea. "I think it was more of a case of *us* not wanting to wait," she said quietly. "We didn't even know if you were alive, sir." He said nothing and she glanced up. It was
difficult to interpret his expression in the dim light, but she thought he was frowning. And that provoked her to say, "I guess you wish I hadn't bothered."
His head turned slowly, fixing her with a steady look. "Why do you say that?"
"Because.…" She hesitated for a moment, not sure she should carry on. But the words demanded to be spoken and so she forced them onto her lips. "Because I heard you tell Laira that you didn't want to leave."
His expression didn't change. "That's not what I said."
"You could go back," she added, ignoring his words. "There's nothing keeping you here, you could go back and live on Edora. I'm sure the General wouldn't...."
"I didn't say I didn't want to leave," he interrupted sharply. "I said I wasn't happy to be leaving."
Her irritation was peeked. "There's a difference?"
"If I hadn't wanted to leave, I would have stayed," he told her. "I chose to come home, Carter. Not that it's any of your damn business."
That snapped her back to herself and she looked away, embarrassed. "No, sir. Of course not. I...." God, how to explain this one? "I guess I...thought you'd be a little happier to see us."
She still wasn't looking at him, but she heard him sigh heavily. And her name drifted out on the end of his sigh, gentle and strangely wistful, "Carter." But he said nothing else, and when she looked up again he sat with his elbows on the table and his forehead resting on the palms of his hands.
"Sir...," she began, but he spoke over her.
"Laira was the only thing that kept me from going crazy there," he told her quietly. "She's a good woman – she deserves better than this."
Sam paused, watching him. And then she hesitantly said, "Do you feel guilty, sir? For leaving?"
He nodded into his hands. "She gave me a lot, Carter. A home, food, friendship...and...more than that." Jealousy twisted unpleasantly in Sam's stomach as he confirmed her suspicion, but she said nothing, sensing his genuine distress. O'Neill's emotions were usually very guarded, but tonight he seemed in the mood to talk. She let him. "I know she wanted me to stay, she cared about me. And I…." His words sank into a sigh, as if he were unwilling to finish his thought. Perhaps he somehow sensed that she didn't want to hear it. And perhaps he was right; there was a part of her that quailed at the prospect of him confessing his feelings for another woman. But it was a small, unworthy part of her and she ignored it. He needed to talk, and right now she was the only one there to listen.
Taking a deep breath she clenched her hands together under the table and said, in a calm, reassuring voice, "And you what, sir?"
He ran his tongue over his lips nervously, but he didn't look up. "She cared about me," he repeated, making the words sound like a confession, "she cared about me and I…. I missed *you*, Carter. I missed you a lot. More than I expected to and a lot more than I should have."
There was an edge to his voice that set her heart racing. More than he should have? Was it possible…? Could he mean....? She tried to swallow, but her throat was too tight and when she spoke she only managed a husky whisper. "I missed you too, sir. Quite a bit. I was...surprised how much."
He moved slowly, his hands sliding over to his temples so that he could look up and into her eyes. And that's when it happened - a sudden flash of recognition, like a fire jumping from one to the other and back again. It was a heart-stopping moment of mutual- revelation and she knew in that instant that nothing was ever going to be the same again.
"Oh hell," he said quietly, still gazing into her eyes.
"It's not a problem," she assured him weakly.
"Of course not," he agreed. "Why should it be?"
She shook her head, lost for words. How could this have happened? Three months ago she'd lost her CO, a man she trusted, respected and cared about. But now? Now it was suddenly a lot more complicated than that - her stomach was squirming, her heart was thudding, blood was rushing in her ears and she was starting to lose herself in his dark, intent gaze. How could this have happened? She tore her eyes away, confused. "I...," she managed to whisper, "I didn't expect
this…."
"No," he replied, in a voice equally strained. "Me neither."
"Oh, God," she breathed, raking her hands through her hair. "How could this happen?"
"I doubt even you can explain this one, Carter," he replied wryly.
"It's so stupid!" she complained, screwing her eyes shut.
O'Neill was silent for a moment, and then very softly he said, "I don't think it's stupid."
The comment drew her eyes back to his face. He was still watching her, cautiously now – like a man lowering his guard. "You don't?" she asked.
"No," he replied. "I think it's…kinda…nice."
Sam just stared, incredulous. He thought this was nice? "You know nothing can ever happen," she warned him, watching for disappointment in his face.
But aside from a slight tightening around his mouth, there was nothing. "Yeah, I know," he told her. "But…it's nice to have a connection. To not be alone."
His words surprised her, but as their eyes locked across the table Sam felt something bloom in her heart, infusing her with a sudden warmth; a connection, a bond that went deeper than comrades-in-arms, deeper even than friendship. Maybe he was right, maybe it wasn't stupid. She smiled cautiously, tentative in this new and strange situation. "I'm glad you weren't alone on Edora," she told him. "I was afraid you might be alone and hurt. I'm glad you had someone to
care for you."
He was silent for a moment before he said, "You don't blame me? You don't think I used her?"
"No," she said, "you didn't use her – you needed her."
"I think she knew that," he replied quietly. "She understood me, more than the others – she understood that a part of me would always be on Earth. I just wish…" He shook his head and looked away. "I just wish I hadn't hurt her today."
As Sam watched him struggle with his guilt, all the bitterness she felt towards Laira turned to pity. She had done nothing worse than care for O'Neill when there had been no one else. She'd reached out and offered him comfort, affection…perhaps even love. He'd been alone, grieving, and she had been there for him. How could Sam hate her for that? She couldn't, and instead she found herself as grateful as she would have been had Laira cared for more physical wounds - grateful, and almost regretful that Laira's generosity of spirit had been so poorly rewarded. But she kept her own feelings hidden as she quietly asked, "What was the alternative, sir?"
"There wasn't one," he agreed sadly. "If I'd stayed it would have been a lie." He looked up at her again, and a wary smile touched his lips, "My life is here, Carter. Everything I want is here."
She just nodded. "Me too."
They didn't say anything else, just sat watching each other for a long time, enjoying the silent communication and the comfort of each other's presence. But at last O'Neill dropped his gaze and scratched a hand through his hair, "So," he yawned, "it's late…and I have to see Hammond at oh-nine-hundred."
Sam rose to her feet, his infectious yawn provoking one of her own. "It's been a long day."
"A long three months," he agreed, standing and moving around the table towards her. His eyes were fixed on her again, dark and serious. "I mean it, Carter – thanks for bringing me home."
"You're welcome, sir," she replied, with an awkward smile. "I…ah, guess I'll head to bed…." With a little nod she turned to leave, but he stopped her with a hand on her arm.
"Carter?" he said softly, and she turned back to face him. He paused for a moment, watching her, and then with a little tug on her arm he said, "Come here."
She did, moving haltingly as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into an affectionate hug. "I missed you," he sighed, close to her ear. Hesitantly she returned the embrace, relishing the sensation of holding him and being held in return. "This morning," he carried on, "I didn't think I'd ever see you again – and now…." His arms tightened around her, squeezing the breath from her lungs, "It's good to be back," he murmured.
"It's good to have you back," she replied, closing her eyes and just soaking up the moment. After all that work, all those sleepless nights, he was back. She held him tighter and smiled. "It was worth it, sir," she said. "It was all worth it."
And it was, for that moment alone.
~End~
Story Notes: Email: sallyreeve@blueyonder.co.uk
Spoilers: "One Hundred Days"
Archive: SJA and Heliopolis. Anyone else, please just ask so I can find you!
Notes: Okay, so I wasn't going to write any more fic for a while. But I was so hyped after SG3 that I just had to finish this which had been languishing on my PC for months. It's very short, and rather pointless, but here it is nonetheless! Hope you like it.
Spoilers: "One Hundred Days"
Archive: SJA and Heliopolis. Anyone else, please just ask so I can find you!
Notes: Okay, so I wasn't going to write any more fic for a while. But I was so hyped after SG3 that I just had to finish this which had been languishing on my PC for months. It's very short, and rather pointless, but here it is nonetheless! Hope you like it.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]