Major Samantha Carter sat on the ramp in the gateroom. She was alone and it was dark, two factors for which Sam was eternally grateful right now, since she didn't want anyone to see that she was crying. She had managed to keep the tears from falling all day, first in the infirmary, then in the briefing room, then again in the infirmary and finally in the locker room. But now she couldn't bear the pain anymore. She had lost him. Again. And Sam had the feeling that this time there would be no way to bring him back. This whole mission had been a disaster from the very beginning. And the worst thing was: He had told her, that he had a bad feeling about this before they had gone through the gate. She hadn't paid any attention to him back then, thinking that he was just in a bad mood. Two hours later she was back at the SGC and he was not. He was still on P4J6785, dead or alive - she didn't even know. Sam had never felt so alone in her life. It felt like part of her was missing. "The saying is true then. You only appreciate what you had when it's gone", she thought.
Jack.
Sam closed her eyes, concentrating on his face, his smile, his voice, his scent and for a brief second, she could feel him next to her. Sam smiled.
Jack.
But the moment vanished and when she opened her eyes she was alone again. Well, not entirely. Sam could see a figure standing next to the door. She stiffened and hastily wiped her face with the sleeve of her shirt.
"Just me, Sam."
Sam sighed in relief. "Janet."
"I thought I'd find you here."
Doctor Fraiser sat down next to her friend and put a hand on Sam's shoulder.
"How are you?"
"Been better."
"I can imagine."
They sat in silence for a while, then Janet said.
"He'll find a way, he always has. The colonel is one of the most resourceful men I've ever met. He'll get out of there."
Sam shook her head. "Not this time. You haven't seen how violent and strong they were. You haven't seen what they do to their prisoners . . ."
Sam swallowed hard, she couldn't finish her sentence. The thought that they could be torturing him was almost unbearable. SG1 had seen them trying to get information from a prisoner. It had not been a pretty sight to say the least. Sam fought the tears that threatened to flow again. Janet squeezed her shoulder.
"Why don't you try to catch some sleep? Would do you good."
"I don't think I can sleep right now."
"I could give you . . ."
"Janet, no."
"Sam..."
"Just let me deal with this my own way, okay?"
Doctor Fraiser cast a long, worried look at her friend, then nodded. "If you need me, Sam, you know I am always there for you, okay?"
Sam swallowed hard. "Okay."
Janet Fraiser got up and walked away. When the doors closed behind her, she suddenly stood face to face with General Hammond.
"Sir."
"How is she?" the General asked gently. Janet sighed. "Trying not to let anyone see how deep the pain goes."
General Hammond shook his head. "This is painful for all of us. Jack has meant a lot to a lot of people around here..."
"...including you and me", Janet finished the sentence, then shook her head.
"And there is nothing we can do, Sir?"
"I am afraid not. "
They fell silent for a minute until the General spoke again.
"I declared Colonel O'Neill as missing in action an hour ago. That was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do."
Janet Fraiser felt the tears welling up in her eyes and could see her own state of mind reflected in the General's face.
***********
Sam Carter knew she was dreaming but she couldn't force herself to wake up. She tried, but she didn't succeed. Helplessly she watched as the events unfolded again before her eyes. They were trapped, with no ammunition left. Sam, Teal'c and Daniel had taken cover behind a huge rock. The Colonel was hiding a few meters away behind the trunk of a dead tree. The enemy was getting closer with every second that passed. Sam didn't see it, but suddenly there were soldiers standing between her hiding place and the Colonel's. Sam could hear Jack swear, then, seconds later she heard his gruff voice over the radio.
"Carter! We don't stand a chance here! Take Teal'c and Daniel and get the hell out of here!"
"Sir! No! We won't leave you behind!"
"Carter! That's an order, get out of here, while you still can!"
"No, Sir!" Sam shook her head wildly, not realising that he couldn't see the gesture. She expected him to shout at her now, to threaten her with a court martial, but he didn't. Instead his voice was very calm.
"Sam. Please."
"Sir!"
"Sam. You know I am right. Go."
"But . . ."
"Sam. Go."
From that moment on Sam had the feeling of watching the events from a distance. She saw herself getting up, shouting at Teal'c and Daniel and disappear into the night, leaving Jack O'Neill behind. She wanted to force herself to turn around and head back, but she couldn't, no matter how hard she tried.
"No, Jack, no!!"
Sam woke up with a scream on her lips. Her heart beat painfully against her chest, while she tried to focus on her surroundings. It was dark and at first Sam thought she was still on P4J6785, but then she felt the sheets under her hands. She was at home. Sam stared into the darkness for a moment, then she started sobbing. The dream had not been a dream. Jack was gone.
**********
Pain. He had had his share of pain in his life both physical and psychological. But nothing had prepared him for this. He had stopped screaming an hour ago, unable to use his voice anymore. His eyes were closed but he saw nevertheless. Wild, bright sparkles and flashes, burning through his optical nerves right into the center of his brain. A small part of him, that part, that had managed to detach itself from the pain, realised that he was about to go crazy. There
was no strength left in him. He had long forgotten what it had been they had wanted to know from him. All that he remembered was the pain.
I gotta do something or I am going to be dead or a looney in a matter of minutes, he thought. A new wave of pain flooded through his body. Just then the part of him that was still Jack O'Neill drew away from reality and entered another world.
*********
"Incoming traveller! We have an incoming traveller!"
Daniel, Sam, Teal'c and General Hammond jumped up from their seats in the briefing room and hurried towards the control room. "We have no teams off-world right now!" the General shouted surprised, as he reached the control room. The Sergeant turned away from the controls and looked at Hammond with an expression of utter surprise on his face.
"It's SG1s signal, Sir."
Sam gasped and grabbed Daniel's arm. The archaeologist didn't even realise it. He just stared at the gate.
"What are you waiting for, open the Iris!" the General shouted. When he turned around to order the rest of SG1 to the gateroom, they were already gone.
Sam stared into the blue shimmer of the event horizon for what felt like an eternity. She didn't feel anything right now. Neither hope, nor pain, nor anxiety nor anything. It felt like her brain and heart had shut down operations for the time being, afraid that they wouldn't be able to handle the emotional overload that she was about to experience.
A figure appeared in the light. It stumbled through the gate and broke down as soon as its feet had touched the metal plates of the ramp. Time stood still as the figure raised its head, blood dripping from its forehead. Frightened brown eyes tried to make contact with horrified blues ones, before the world turned dark.
************
"How are you?"
Sam turned her head and looked at Janet Fraiser. She smiled, or at least tried to.
"Better. Just a little tired."
"Well, I tried to suggest sleep before, but you wouldn't listen then, so I won't bother suggesting it now."
Janet winked and Sam succeeded to smile.
"Thanks."
"He's still asleep?"
Sam nodded. "What have they done to him, Janet?"
Janet looked sad at the man lying on the bed. "What no one should have to go through, Sam. I don't even know where to start. He's got every injury you can think of - plus a few even I hadn't seen yet. Frankly, between you and me? I have no idea how he managed to survive this and find the strength to make his way back to us."
Janet drew in a deep breath and continued: "And there's something else. I can help heal the physical wounds. As to the psychological damage done - we'll just have to wait and see what happens when he wakes up."
Sam winced suddenly and for the first time Janet realised that Jack O'Neill was holding on to Sam's left hand. His face didn't betray any emotions, but Janet could see that his grip on Sam's hand had tightened.
"Sam?"
"It's okay. I think he is having a bad dream." Sam shook her head. "I wish I could wake him up to chase the nightmare away."
"Have patience, Sam. You may be doing just that."
*************
Sam's patience seemed to be endless, but her strength wasn't. After countless hours sitting beside the Colonel's bed, her eyes closed stubbornly and she found herself drifting away into much needed sleep. A few hours later she woke with a start when she heard a loud scream. A horrible scream. A scream from someone who had found himself suddenly in hell or even beyond. His voice sounded so different, that it took Sam a few moments to realise that it was Jack who was screaming.
"Colonel!"
Jack's eyes were still closed but he threw his head from one side to the other, kicking ferociously with his hands and feet. Sam jumped up and grabbed his arms, trying to force him to lie still.
"Janet!!"
Doc Fraiser rushed into the room, followed by two members of her staff. The two men pressed the struggling Jack O'Neill back into the bed.
"I'll get a sedative!" Janet shouted.
Sam took a step back and watched the scene with horror. She had never seen him so afraid before, so much in pain and panic. She felt utterly helpless and felt the tears welling up in her eyes. Fighting to keep her composure Sam Carter stood beside the bed watching as Janet administered the sedative and Jack O'Neill slumped back into oblivion.
******************
The sky was clear. Jack O'Neill looked up at the sun and blinked. The murmuring sound of the river made him a little sleepy, but it wasn't a bad feeling at all. Jack looked at his feet. He stood on the bank of the river, holding a fishing rod in his hands. He hadn't caught a fish yet and to be honest he didn't think he would do so in the next few hours. But he didn't mind. Not at all. An eagle drifted along a wind-stream, making his way soundlessly across the forest. Jack drew in the fresh air, and let out his breath with a small sigh of joy. This was perfect. He felt a presence behind him and a smile played across his face. Suddenly there were arms around his waist and he felt a soft, warm body press against his back. Jack closed his eyes. No, THIS was perfect. He savoured the closeness, drew in the familiar scent of the person standing behind him.
"We should have done that a lot sooner", whispered a voice behind him. Jack smiled.
"And who's fault is it, that we didn't?"
"Guilty as charged."
He shivered as the woman behind him planted a kiss on his neck."Okay, we can't change the past, but promise me we'll do that again soon."
"I promise, Jack."
"Say that again."
"I promise, Jack."
And Jack O'Neill closed his eyes content with himself, the world, the whole universe as far as he was concerned.
*****************
Sam Carter knew something had changed even before she was fully awake. It wasn't a scream that had woken her, nor any other sound. Just a feeling. She opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was Jack O'Neill blinking confused, trying to put his hand to his face. When he felt the restraints holding his arm back, he frowned and opened his eyes. Sam leaned forward, careful not to startle him. Jack nevertheless caught the movement and turned his eyes to her.
"Carter?"
"Sir. How are you feeling?"
"Like hell."
He looked at the restraints. "I take it I didn't behave well?"
"Janet had no other choice, you were about to rip all the bandaged off."
"Well, yeah, I promise not to do that again. Could you take these things off now".
Sam was relieved. There it was. The gruff, a little annoyed and impatient oh-for-crying-out-loud-voice of Jack O'Neill. Sam got up and hastily removed the restraints. Jack rubbed his sore wrists and blinked, his eyes suddenly growing wide.
"How did I get here?"
"You don't remember?"
"No, not really. Last thing I know, I was caught by these aliens and that's it"
Suddenly he felt Sam's hand touching his and when he looked at her he saw concern written all over her face.
"It's okay, Carter. I'll be okay. Go get the Doc, I wanna get out of here asap."
******************
Jack O'Neill sat on his roof, watching the stars. Not through the telescope, but with his own eyes. His wounds were healing well and if he behaved for another week Doc Fraiser had promised he could get back to work. He still didn't remember much about what had happened, but judging from the expressions on his friends' faces when he had asked them about the mission he really didn't want to know. He leaned back in his chair and took a sip of his beer. He thought about what he wanted to do tomorrow and decided that he really wanted to go fishing.
Jack jumped up and gasped in surprise. A wave of dizziness hit him as the memories of pain and sorrow washed over his mind, his soul, his heart.
*************
Samantha Carter frowned and looked at the clock on the VCR. It was almost midnight. Who the hell wanted to visit her at that late hour? The pounding on the door got louder and Sam got up, deciding that it was probably better to let her visitor in before he broke the door.
"I'm coming, hold on a second." She shouted, grabbing a sweater and pulling it over her head. When she opened the door she blinked in surprise.
"Sir? Something wrong?"
"No, yes, I don't know, maybe."
Sam watched him with concern. He seemed pretty confused and kind of nervous. He looked everywhere but in her face. They stood there for a full minute, before Sam finally said.
"Come on in."
"No, thanks, it'll only take a minute." He didn't move and so Sam stepped outside.
"So, what is it?"
"I remember."
The words were barely more than a whisper. She wanted to ask him what it was he remembered, but the fear and pain that suddenly flashed across his face gave her the answer before she had actually asked the question. Sam stood there, perfectly still, waiting for him to put his feelings into words.
"I remember what they did to me. I remember the pain. All of it. I remember that I screamed until my voice was gone. I remember almost going crazy. I remember all of it."
Sam wanted nothing more than to put her arms around him and to take away his pain. To show him that he was safe and that he had nothing more to fear. But she couldn't, he was her commanding. . .
Screw the regs, this is more important now, Sam thought and stepped forward. She put her arms around him and Jack let himself fall into her embrace. They stood there for a long time, neither saying a word. Suddenly Jack took a step back. She could see tears in his eyes, but strange enough he was smiling.
"And I remember something else."
When he didn't continue on his own, Sam asked quietly.
"And what is that?"
"I remember what kept me sane. What gave me the strength to fight, to find the way home."
He took her hands into his and sighed. "Ever read Peter Pan?"
"Sure", Sam replied, not really knowing where he was going with this.
"Then you know about this happy thought stuff? How if you held on to your happy thought you could be able to fly?"
"Yeah?"
"I held on to my happy thought, and that's what saved me. That's the only reason I was able to get back here with my wits intact. Or rather: the only reason I was able to get back here at all."
Sam watched in awe as he lifted his head, his brown eyes looking straight into her blue ones.
"And you wanna know what that thought was?"
Sam nodded, not letting her eyes leave his.
"I was standing on the banks of a river on a sunny day with the woman that I love."
Sam just looked at him, not daring to breathe, to move, to think.
Jack smiled. "You were my happy thought, Sam. And now I know that one day we will stand on the bank of that river. One day soon."
There was so much more to say and yet nothing else as Jack leaned closer and captured her lips with his.
The End
Story Notes: AUTHORS NOTE: I'd like to dedicate this one to all those wonderful people I got to know during the past few months: Xeen, Jenny, Tobias, Gerry, Marc, Trini, Steffi, Chrissy, Silvia, futuredocsgc, Lydia, Sally, Jinx, and Steptreks, to name just a few.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]