I can see it in the eyes of every person I pass. They wonder I’m still here. I hear the whispers as I as I pass.
“I guess he didn’t love her after all”, “Maybe he only wanted her for sex.”
How wrong all of these people are. There are few people who know why I’m still here. I come to the SGC everyday to punish myself, but also because it brings me that much closer to her. At her funeral I heard the same meaningless phrases:
“She was a good officer” and “She was a brilliant scientist.”
But what about the facts that she was a great friend, a beautiful woman, and could spend weeks on end playing with her doohickey’s? How many people knew that she had a motorcycle that she loved almost as much as I love my leather jacket?
At least she died how she would have wanted to. She died in battle. What upsets me most is that it’s my fault she died. If I had waited two more seconds to give the signal, or even waited two less. It could have made a difference, or maybe it wouldn’t have, but now I’ll never know.
I see it in Dr. McKenzie’s eyes every time I see him. He knows that I blame myself, but at the same time he, as so many others, believes that because I’m not suicidal I didn’t care. If it makes any sense at all I think I loved Sam more than I loved Sara and Charlie. With them, my mind was telling me that my life was over, and my heart was telling me that it would eventually go on. This time around it’s my heart telling me that my life now has no meaning, and my mind is still telling me that even though I’m not dead, I might as well be. I have a fate worse than death:
Living life without a heart or soul. Sam and I had always believed that there would be a to sort out our feelings. We always believed that we would have another day to tell the other we loved them. We thought we would eventually get the chance to be together, to have our day in the sun.
We never got that chance. It was cruelly stolen from us.
Whoever said that the worst way to miss someone is to have them there by your side each day and know you can’t have them was wrong. I did that for four years. I would much rather have Sam by my side, even just as a friend, than be here without her. She was so much a part of my heart that it’s almost as if I’m no longer alive. So, how can I commit suicide if I’m not alive to begin with. If I’m not alive I can’t be suicidal, and even if I was alive I wouldn’t be. This is my punishment for the rest of my miserable life. So I come here to work every single day. We go on missions almost every single day. I can see the question in their eyes as I pass.
Were they wrong all these years, was it just sex I wanted? They’re wrong in all of their assumptions. They wonder how I can come back here every single day. I would tell them if only they would ask. Time to get to the ’gate room, time for another mission to god knows where. I can see the question as I pass, and it actually makes me smile. I can’t help but hope-just like I do before every mission now-that maybe, just maybe, this is the mission I get to join my beloved Sam for all of eternity.
How? by Jo Ann Hicks
Story Notes: AUTHOR'S NOTES: I blame this fic on the lack of sleep.
FEEDBACK: Look at it this way: If you like it, feedback can get me to write more, if you hate it, feedback can get me to stop. Praise will light my life, Constructive Criticism will light the dark, and Flames will light my best friend’s squares.
DEDICATION: To Jo, for sending me my first feedback, and at the same time encouraging me to do more. I will be forever grateful. This is my fifteenth fic, and thought that I should mark the occasion with a dedication to her.
FEEDBACK: Look at it this way: If you like it, feedback can get me to write more, if you hate it, feedback can get me to stop. Praise will light my life, Constructive Criticism will light the dark, and Flames will light my best friend’s squares.
DEDICATION: To Jo, for sending me my first feedback, and at the same time encouraging me to do more. I will be forever grateful. This is my fifteenth fic, and thought that I should mark the occasion with a dedication to her.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]