Sam flicked the television off; she had just finished watching a movie and there was nothing else on. She had not really been interested in the movie and had been watching it simply to stay awake until a normal bed-time. She would have loved to have gone to bed early and catch up on her sleep, but Sam had learnt the hard way that she needed to get into a normal sleeping pattern quickly when it came to her daughter waking up at the crack of dawn. With the house now silent, Sam wondered where Jack was. They had arrived home over three hours ago and Jack had immediately disappeared. Sam had spoken with Sasha before the nanny had gone out for the night. The next hour had been filled with Sam bathing her daughter and playing with her before putting her to bed. It was only now that Sam realised she had not seen her house-mate for the entire evening. Even with his shifting tempers, it was not like Jack to be A.W.O.L for that long.
Sam stood up and made her way up the stairs. When she and Jack had decided to move in together for Daniella’s sake, they had jointly bought a new house. Their house had four bedrooms so that there was one each, including Sasha. As Sam passed Daniella’s bedroom, she checked in on her daughter who was sleeping soundly. Sam smiled contently to herself. Sometimes she did wish that she could be a full-time mother to Daniella, but it was not possible. She was needed in her job and she needed her job in return. Sam was not ready to give it up yet and she considered that she may never be ready for that. Aware that there were lots of milestones she was going to miss out on in her child’s life, Sam watched her sleeping as often as she could. Daniella was already a year and a half old and Sam knew there were countless grins that she had missed. Sam had loved it when Daniella had reached the four month stage and began grinning all of the time. She still grinned now and Sam believed it to be amazing that, at such a young age, Daniella coped with everything. The toddler seemed to understand already who her parents were and that she could go a few days without either of them. She rarely grumbled at the change of routines or being taken to bed by different people every few nights.
Sometimes Sam felt like those rich snobby parents who chose not to parent their children and using the hired help to do it for them. Deep down Sam knew that she was not like that and that she and Jack had an acceptable reason for employing Sasha to help raise their child.
On the other hand, Sam had grown up with a parent in the military and she knew how painful it was to never know when your father would be home. Or to spend all day hoping that he would be home in time to read you a bedtime story and then have nightmares with no father coming to her aid. She hated herself for raising her daughter the same way she had hated being raised. In reality it was worse than that; Daniella was going to be raised with two military parents. If Sam knew where Daniella’s other parent was.
Continuing her search of the upstairs of their house, Sam still could not see Jack anywhere, but there was a breeze coming from the door to his bedroom. Jack’s bedroom was the master bedroom and had a reasonably sized balcony overlooking the back yard. The balcony housed one of Jack’s most prized possessions – his telescope. He had only recently allowed Sam to touch his beloved telescope despite the fact that she was an astrophysicist and had handled much more delicate equipment. She carefully pushed the sliding door open slightly so she could squeeze out of the bedroom. Once on the balcony, Sam pulled the door too to limit the in-flowing breeze.
“Hey,” she whispered so as to not startle Jack although she knew that he would have heard her entering his bedroom. He did not say anything and did not even look up. He was not looking through his telescope; he was staring down at his hands and the whisky bottle he held in them. “Jack,” Sam said, “I thought we’d discussed alcohol.” The anger was rising within her. She knew that he would drink when depressed and they had both agreed that alcohol should not be kept in their house, especially after their last foray into forbidden territory after she had become tipsy. It was the same rule for guns, except for the safely locked up Zat guns that were kept in the house just in case someone decided that Daniella would be a nice case study as a daughter of an ex-host. Or if the NID ever decided they needed to get SG-1 to do something, Daniella would be the perfect motivation.
He stood up and she stepped back slightly. His face was hidden by shadow and Sam could not see his eyes. He looked down and considered the small half-size bottle carefully. She could tell that not much had been drunk and she was glad that she had got up to him in time. He dropped the lid over the balcony railing and Sam heard it bounce on the patio beneath. He then threw the glass bottle and its contents far into their large back garden. The whisky sprayed out from it, showering their lawn. She did not hear the bottle land or smash. She considered briefly how far he could have thrown it and then wondered why he had been drinking alone.
“Jack-”
He cut her off. “Don’t bother, Carter, I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t wanna be talked to.” He was angry and she had no idea why because despite his growing sullen moods, there had never been any anger directed at her.
“I’m ‘Carter’ now?” She shook her head when he failed to answer her. “What the hell’s going on, Jack? Why am I ‘Carter’ again? I thought we were getting better, back to being friends. I know things have been difficult and now a little awkward, but why are you shutting me out? You were fine this afternoon. What’s going on? I deserve to know. I live with you and I am the mother to your child, so if this is about regulations or my decision that we need a line, then get over it. I deserve…” She sighed in annoyance as he was making no move to answer anything. Sam was not fully sure that he was even listening to her. “I give up.” She moved to leave the balcony.
Just as her hand reached the door handle, Jack spoke, “It’s the anniversary of Charlie’s death.” His voice was barely above a whisper. She turned back to face him and he was sitting down again. He was staring at his own hands as he clenched and unclenched them. “It’s just making me think, reminding me of what it’s like to lose him.” He looked up at her and their eyes met. There was a watery sheen over his chocolate brown eyes and Sam could see all of the pain and fear in them. “I don’t want to lose Daniella. Or you.”
Her breath caught in her throat. “Nothing’s going to happen to Daniella. She’s not going anywhere and I’m not going to take her away from you.”
There was a long silence and then as he stood and gazed over the yard he spoke, “I don’t want you to go anywhere, or die. It’s stupid, cos I know you deserve the command, but I’m not watching your six anymore. If something happens to you out there…”
“I’m not going to get hurt, Jack. And even if I do, then Daniella grows up without me. She’ll still have you. It’s terrible to think, I know, but I grew up fine with only one parent.”
“What about me?”
“What are you saying?” she asked. Her voice was wary and she was unsure of what exactly he meant. She hoped that by questioning him, Sam would force Jack to relent and stop wandering down the path they should not travel. There was no way that she could stay strong enough to defend the line in between them on her own; Sam needed Jack to believe in the rules, too.
“I’m not sure.”
“Okay then,” Sam nodded her head. “Come back inside, Jack. Don’t shut me out because you’re afraid or sad.”
“But we can’t be alone.”
Neither of them had ever spoken of the new awkwardness between them, opting instead to simply avoid it and each other. “Jack, I am not about to let you sit up here and collapse into yourself.”
He made no action to move, but Jack did start to speak. “Sometimes I feel like the worst parent in the galaxy. I’ve got a daughter I barely see, a son who lives on another planet and another that… He should be a teenager by now. Similar age to Cassie. JJ’s probably the one who’s going to actually thrive because I’m nowhere near him.”
“Do not say that about our daughter.”
“Why not? She’s so similar to him. Fair enough she has your hair and smile and eyes, but the things she does and how she does them. It’s Charlie. I’m going to fail her just like I failed him.”
“I won’t let you fail her.”
“What makes you better than Sara?”
The anger bubbled over in Sam and she slapped Jack, hard. “Don’t!” she spat through gritted teeth, pushing his chest away with both palms because a slap was not enough. “Don’t you dare compare me to her.”
He grabbed her hands and held them tightly at the wrists, preventing her from hurting him any further. “Why? I’ll fail you just like I failed her. Neither of us exactly has the right track record. Do we? My children end up dead and the mothers end up hating me.”
“One child, Jack. And neither Sara, nor Laira, nor I hate you.”
“One child’s damn well enough!” She struggled to get her hands free, but Jack merely held them a bit tighter.
“I can’t begin to imagine your pain, Jack, but quit pushing me away.”
“One minute you want a line between us, Carter, the next you want to be my shoulder to cry on. Make up your mind.” He released her hands as she struggled again.
Glad to have free hands, she pushed him again and again. “I’m not scared to be your shoulder to cry on. I am scared to cross that line and you should damn well show me some respect.” Frustrated at a conversation that had turned into an argument, Sam turned to leave and got a grip on the door handle. His hand on her upper left arm stopped her. He gently pulled at her arm and she released her hold on the handle. She had no idea what he was going to say to her, whether he was going to apologise or continue shouting at her. Maybe he was just going to be sadistic and stop her from leaving so that he could leave instead. He turned her back to face him and she opened her mouth to argue with him. She needed to question what he was going to say to her.
He caught her mouth in his, cutting off any words which had been about to escape. After the briefest of passionate kisses, Jack pulled away and looked at her. He seemed hesitant as he placed a quicker, slightly chaste kiss on her lips, returning to meet her eyes. Where before all she had seen in his eyes was pain and anger, Sam now also saw a question, a request to continue with a hesitancy in case she was about to slap him again. There were no coherent thoughts in her mind anymore, all of the anger and angry words had evaporated into the cooling night air. Jack continued searching her eyes and Sam’s lips parted as if she were about to say something except all words failed her. Never before had she felt such a mixture of emotions. Sam could feel the nervous, fearful tears that were welling within her eyes, but also the excitement and desire that was building within her chest. Feeling her own heart pounding in her chest, Sam’s breath had also hitched in fear and anticipation.
She could not move; neither away from nor closer to him. His eyes shifted and Sam panicked that he was about to move away, that he was about to break their contact. She knew in that moment that she could not let him and so she moved slightly, kissing his lips gently before stopping and keeping her eyes closed. His hands moved from her upper arms to around her lower back, pulling their bodies together. Surrendering everything to that moment, Sam kissed him back with a long held desire and ignored what little conscious thought remained in her mind. She wrapped her arms around his neck; both pairs of hands began fumbling with whatever lay under them. His were on her bare back, having lifted her t-shirt and her hands had woven their way into his hair. Despite their history, Sam had never felt this intimate and passionate with him and she felt him shift slightly, taking a step backwards. Moving with him instinctively, Sam felt the warm air from his bedroom hit her exposed skin and she vaguely heard him close the door behind them.
The next thing, of which Sam was aware, was the world spinning enough to cause a mild disorientation and then the softness of his bed was under her back. Neither of them relented in exploring the other’s body, as their hands reached, pulled, gathered and smoothed their way around relatively unknown territory.
SG – SG – SG
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]