A few days later Jack found himself walking down the familiar corridors of the SGC.
He’d had to come to Colorado to take care of some house business, and had agreed to meet with Hank Landry and get an update on everything directly from the source while he was in town.
As he walked and greeted with a nod the mix of smiles, salutes and widened eyes he met on the way, he was acutely aware of he visitor badge on his chest. It seemed to weigh more than it should. Being back here made him actually long for his oh-so-comfortable BDUs. His dress blues suddenly felt stiff and uncomfortable.
He knew he had some time to kill before his meeting with Landry, so Jack took a couple of turns until he reached the desired room. The door was open, so Jack walked around the corner and stopped when a bearded Daniel appeared in his line of vision, sitting at his computer and reading, his brow furrowed in deep concentration.
“Is this a new statue?” Jack asked as he grabbed a humanoid-shaped but alien-looking artifact on the nearest shelf and tentatively weighed it between his hands.
To Jack’s disappointment Daniel didn’t startle, but his eyes did widen, and he even cracked a quick smile as he looked at Jack over his shoulder.
“No, it’s always been there.”
“Oh.” Jack returned Daniel’s half smile at last and entered the office more fully, depositing the statue on a random flat surface as he did. The memories of this room suddenly assaulted his senses - even the smell of the room: a mix of Daniels hair products, books, metal from the furniture and leather brought on a wave of memories. Most of them good.
“What brings you here?” Daniel asked as he extended his hand in greeting.
“Well I have to finalize prepping my house, so-”
“You finally found a tenant, huh?”
“Yeah. But anyway, I thought I’d stop by and check in on things over here. What are you working on?”
Daniel got that look on his face he usually got when he prepared to talk really fast about things that Jack didn’t really care about, so he braced himself, crossing his arms across his chest.
“Well, I’m just trying to learn more about the doctrine of the Ori, and see how I could use earth’s religious history to help in some way… It’s a stretch, but maybe it can help.”
“Hmm.”
They fell silent and Jack looked around the office as he searched for a way to bring up what he really wanted to talk about.
“So why are you here?” Daniel asked, doing a masterful job of looking innocent and uninterested as his eyes returned to his reading material. But Jack wasn’t fooled.
“Didn’t you just ask me that?”
“No, I mean why are you here, in my office. Not that I’m not happy you stopped by but…”
“Oh, ah, no reason. Do I need one?”
“Of course not. But from past experience, it’s usually because of one of two things: either you’re bored, or you want to ask me something personal and you don’t know how.”
Jack made a face. Daniel had always been too damn perceptive for his own good. Sitting down on the stool next to Daniel, Jack sighed. “Well, it’s kinda both, actually.”
Daniel turned in his seat to fully face Jack once again, in a way that clearly said ‘you have my full attention now.’ So Jack leaned his elbows forward on his thighs and looked down at his hands.
“Have you talked to Carter recently?” Jack asked, desperately trying to make it sound like this wasn’t important.
“Not recently recently. We talked, was it last week? Or the week before? I can’t remember.”
“Did she happen to mention her Christmas plans at all?”
“She mentioned having Cassandra around, and inviting her brother’s family, I think. Why?”
“So you’re not…” Jack hesitated, he didn’t want to say ‘invited’ in case he really wasn’t. “…going?”
“No. I mean she asked, but I’ve already made plans to go on a research trip to Chicago. I’m sorry to miss it, though. It would be nice to catch up.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Why? Are you going?” Daniel asked, sounding a little surprised that Jack would consider it.
“I’m thinking about it. I just… I’m confused. She invited me, but I can’t figure out why.”
When Daniel didn’t reply right away, Jack looked up, only to find Daniel staring steadfastly at him. “You can’t figure out why?” he repeated slowly.
“I mean I have some thoughts, obviously, but…I’m not sure what to make of it.”
“Why do you need a reason? Have you considered the possibility that maybe she just misses us and would like your company?”
“But see, that’s the thing! After what happened at the cabin, this would kinda break our understanding.”
Daniel blinked, and Jack sighed when he realized he’d said too much.
“Okay,” Daniel replied slowly, and Jack was impressed that the younger man resisted the urge to ask about what had happened, but still, now that he’d said so much, he might as well explain.
“Look, nothing happened, I mean nothing… big,” Jack explained as Daniel started shaking his head.
“No, no, it’s fine, it’s ah… it’s none of my business, I-”
“No, you should probably know anyway. On the weekend we spent at the cabin this summer? Well, we… had a conversation.”
A few months earlier
Jack couldn’t sleep.
The rest of the gang had gone to sleep a while back and the cabin was almost eerily silent after having Carter, Teal’c and Daniel bustling around all day. Having them here was fun, and Jack was secretly delighted to see that they all seemed to enjoy themselves as well. Even Carter.
He still couldn’t quite believe that he’d finally managed to haul her all the way the cabin after all this time.
And he still couldn’t believe the news she had announced as they fished by the pond: she was no longer getting married. The statement, prompted by one of Daniel’s innocuous questions about the venue, had silenced them all. Until Daniel had hurriedly mumbled an apology.
Jack had felt her gaze on his face for a moment, but he couldn’t quite meet her eyes just then. She had told him of her doubts about her engagement before, and Jack had hoped and feared in equal measure that he was the cause for her doubts, but at that moment he couldn’t quite fathom the implications of her broken engagement.
She was no longer getting married. She and Pete had separated.
The relief had been almost unbearable, but then guilt for his selfishness had settled in instead. Finally raising his gaze he’d found her no longer looking at him, but ahead beyond the opposite side of the pond. She’d looked devastated.
Jack had exchanged a quick look with Daniel and Teal’c, who’d looked as uncomfortable as he felt. “I’m sorry, Carter. Really.”
She hadn’t turned to look at either of them but had shaken her head. “Thank you, but it’s not your fault.”
Daniel had changed the subject after that, and they’d soon returned to their usual selves.
Now, as he lay on his back in the darkness of his small room, staring at the dark ceiling, the feelings of mixed relief and guilt and hope and fear returned in full force. After turning and tossing for a while, he finally gave up and jumped to his feet. Putting on shoes and a sweater over his t-shirt, he quietly made his way to the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge before making his way outside. The lack of light pollution out here had decided Jack long ago to move his telescope from his house to the cabin, and he walked to where he had set it up the night before for his guests. Or rather, for one particular guest. He still hoped that she might make use of it before the weekend was over. For some unexplainable reason, he wanted to share this with her; the stars, the craters of the moon, the luminous dust of the Milky Way. His small telescope was probably nothing like what she could have access to as an astrophysicist, but for Jack there was something wonderful about being able to do it from this place.
A quiet footfall ruffled the grass, and Jack turned to find Carter standing there, as if summoned by his thoughts. His heart rate accelerated to a maddening speed at the sight of her. She was looking at the sky, enveloped in one of the throws he kept in the living room, her expression serious but one of wonder. As if feeling his gaze on her, she met his eyes and shifted on her feet - looking suddenly hesitant.
“Couldn’t sleep either, huh?” Jack asked.
She shook her head as she walked closer. “May I?” she asked as she pointed to the telescope that Jack was still working on adjusting on its tripod.
He gestured with a move of his head for her to get closer as he moved to get her a chair from the small shed. “Should be a good night for it.”
“No moonlight,” they both said at once. She smiled.
“So how are you doing Carter?” Jack asked as he secured her folding chair into the grass next to his. “Really?”
She took a deep breath as she sat and crossed her leg. “How am I?” she asked quietly to no one in particular. “I’m… okay.”
“There’s been a lot going on recently,” he pointed out as he sat next to her in his own chair, watching her as she leaned toward the eyepiece and squinted into the telescope. “Your dad…”
“I miss him a lot.” She gave a soft sigh. “You know, he was often overbearing and demanding, especially when I was growing up, and he would give advice and lessons and sermons when they were the last things I wanted to hear. But I’d give a lot right now for his counsel,” she said quietly before pulling away from the telescope.
Jack glanced at her curiously before he took his turn leaning in and adjusted the focus. He really wanted to offer his help or his advice, for little it would be worth, but he didn’t want to pry.
“And this whole thing with Pete,” she went on quietly, “it hit me harder than I expected.”
Jack resolutely kept his eyes on the stars currently in his vision. “You were considering spending your life with him, of course it hit hard.”
“I know.” She sighed. “The hardest part, though, is knowing how much I hurt him.”
Jack pulled back from the eyepiece and grabbed his beer. “That’s the risk we humans have to take when we want to let people in, Carter.” He knew that oh-too-well, which was why he’d learnt long ago to build a wall around his feelings. It had worked too, until she had appeared in his life and dismantled it one brick at a time until his heart was open to her, there for her taking. He took a sip from his bottle as he watched her watch the stars.
“I know. Doesn’t make it any easier.”
“No.”
“Wow, this is amazing. I really should get my own telescope,” she exclaimed in a lighter tone as she leaned back. “Here, I set it up on Venus.”
Jack smiled. “Cool.”
“So what about you? How is it going with Kerry?” she asked, her tone still light. Forcibly light.
“Oh, ah, it’s not.”
He saw her glance at him in surprise from the corner of his eye, and he shrugged.
“It’s been over for a few weeks now.”
“Oh. Sorry. She seemed… nice.” Was it his imagination or did she actually grimace as she said the last word?
“It’s fine. It wasn’t serious or anything.”
They were silent for a few moments and Jack leaned back into his chair and looked at the stars. Even without the telescope the lights were amazing, overwhelming by their sheer numbers.
She didn’t take her turn at the eyepiece either this time, but remained leaning back in her chair, eyes directed upward.
“I was offered a new position a few days ago,” she suddenly admitted, her voice soft and raw.
That was unexpected, and Jack stared at her.
“They want me to run the R&D division of the Stargate program out of Groom Lake.”
He shifted in his seat and sat straighter. “Sam, that’s great, congratulations! You deserve it.”
“Thank you. The thing is though, I don’t know if I should take it.”
“Why? This is a great career move. Imagine all the doohickeys you’ll get to play with.”
She smiled, a little sadly. “Lots of reasons. SG-1. Gate travel.” She paused as she tightened the throw around her. “You.”
Jack’s heart skipped a long beat before jumping into a mad pounding against his chest. He had longed to hear words like this from her for years, yet, her timing once again sucked! He shook his head. “Sam-”
She shifted in her seat, turning so she could more fully face him. “Look, if you don’t feel anything for me, I’ll let it go-”
Jack shook his head urgently. “Carter it’s not that. I’m not the most subtle of guys, you must know that I have loved you - irrevocably, hopelessly - for a long time now.”
She took in a deep breath, her expression cautiously curious and hopeful - understanding from his tone that there was a ‘but’. “So then what is it?” she asked through what sounded like gritted teeth.
Jack sighed - understanding her frustration - staring without seeing at the label on the bottle resting on his thigh. The condensation left a wet circle of water on his sweat pants. “I’ve actually accepted a promotion of my own - I’m transferring to Homeworld Security next month. I’m moving to D.C. I was planning on telling you all tomorrow.”
She flinched back and Jack winced, taking another gulp of beer to wash down the bitter taste in his mouth.
“You’re leaving the SGC?” She was incredulous.
“Yes.”
She gasped, as if she’d been punched to the stomach. “Is that really what you want?”
“It was yesterday!” he let out defensively. “With everything that’s been going on, defeating Anubis, your wedding, it felt like the right thing to do. Now I’m not so sure.” He sighed in frustration. “I want a lot of things, Carter - I wanna be able to feel what I feel for you without having to deny it or bury the good emotions so deep that only the bad remain on the surface. I wanna be able to touch your arm or hand without warnings flashing around in my head like the SGC sirens.” Unable to hold her gaze, Jack turned his head and took a sip of his beer. “But we both know that, whatever you choose to do with this offer, your place is definitely not in D.C., and until I retire I’m still technically your superior.”
She tightened the throw around her again, brows furrowed in displeasure. “So that’s it? Nothing’s changed?”
“I’m sorry,” was all Jack could say, and it felt spectacularly inadequate.
She turned away, and Jack couldn’t tell if she was angry or hurt or both.
“What if we came to an understanding?” she suddenly asked as she turned back to look at him, her expression now fiercely determined.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m willing to wait, if you are.”
Jack started shaking his head, even though his heart had just backflipped in his chest. “You want us to agree to wait until I retire?” Suddenly the prospect seemed peculiarly enticing, but just the idea of her waiting for him, pining for the likes of him made him nauseous. “I can’t ask you to do that.”
She smiled humorlessly. “No need to be patronizing, you’re not asking.”
Annoyed that she wasn’t understanding him, that he just wanted what was best for her, that she could do so much better than him, Jack turned to face her. “Sam,” he started, but she interrupted him.
“Jack, we’ve waited this long for the war with the Goa’uld to be over, or for our situation to change. I can wait a few more years.”
“You can’t be serious?” She deserved so much more than what he could offer!
“I am. Why is it so hard for you to believe that I love you too? That I actually know what I want now and that I’m willing to wait for it?”
Jack closed his mouth in surprise, struck speechless for a moment before he recovered himself. “Because, you could do so much better, Sam. I’m sure that there’s a young, dashing scientist at Area 51 who could sweep you off your feet with his mastery of technological jargon. I wouldn’t want you to pass up on that chance.”
The corner of her mouth quirked up briefly, but her eyes were still serious and determined. “I’ve already tried dating someone else, and it didn’t work. I’m tired of pretending that I’m single when really my heart’s been engaged for years. I know now that’s never going to change.”
Jack swallowed hard. As he lost himself in the glint of her eyes, he could feel his resolve melt away, and suddenly he was overwhelmingly thankful. And hopeful. Unable to quite say the words but still holding her gaze intensely, Jack reached out for her hand and tugged until it was resting on his thigh and he was holding on tightly.
Her bright smile added a tantalizing glint to her eyes as she squeezed his hand in return.
“But if, at any moment, your feelings change, or you change your mind, or you do meet someone else “ then I won’t stand in your way, okay?”
She shook her head, but then her expression turned teasing. “Just so we’re clear, we’re not talking another ten years, right?”
Jack pretended to be offended. “Are you saying that your resolve to wait for me has a deadline?”
“Oh yes. Seven years is really the best I can do.”
“How about a year?”
Her teasing expression turned genuinely surprised. “Really?”
Jack grinned. “What, now is that too soon for you?”
“No! I’m just surprised, I didn’t think you were considering retiring so soon.”
“Well, the prospect suddenly became much more appealing.”
“So, back to status quo for a year, then?”
“Temporary status quo. In the meantime, no funny business,” he warned her teasingly, though Jack knew that unless they avoided seeing each other, that would be really hard to stick to now that he knew how she felt. Well, his transfer to the Pentagon would make that at least a little easier.
Her smile turned into a mysterious grin that sent his blood pumping. “Deal.”
And then they went back to the stars.
Daniel sat silently, his expression at once quizzical and distracted as he appeared to be processing the information Jack had given him in the abridged version of the conversation.
“Look, I know this is probably more than you ever wanted to know about this, but-”
“No,” Daniel said at last, brows still furrowed. “I’m happy for you guys. I sort of always suspected it would happen eventually, it’s just weird to hear you talk about it. Openly. Voluntarily.”
“You never said anything.”
Daniel shrugged. “No. Well, it was none of my business.” He inhaled as he tapped his pen on the desk and straightened in his seat. “Okay, so let me get this straight: you’ve decided to wait for a year-”
“Well, about six months, now I guess.”
“But now she’s invited you to spend Christmas with her-”
“All of us, actually.”
“…and you’re hesitating, because…?”
Jack licked his lips nervously. “See, there was this tacit agreement that we would sort of keep to ourselves in the meantime. And last week “ I was thinking about… stuff, about my work, and I emailed her “ it was a spur of the moment kind of thing.”
“What did the email say?” Daniel interrupted.
“That’s not important for the story - it was, I was complaining about my job, mostly.”
“Ah. Nothing new there, then.”
“I didn’t expect anything to come out of it or anything, but then she called and invited me for the Holidays, and I…”
“Got scared?”
Jack stared as he straightened his shoulders, feathers a little ruffled.
Daniel noticed his reaction, but didn’t back down. He never had. “Look you came to me for a reason. I don’t claim to know anything about your agreement or your feelings, but if life and this job taught me anything is to never take anything, or anyone for granted. And let’s face it, there’s nothing standing between you now! Haven’t you ever considered that while she’s at Area 51 she’s not directly under your chain of command?”
“Well, sure, but, as long as we’re both in the Air Force, there’s a chance that she might return to the SGC or take an assignment overseen by Homeworld Security and-”
“Oh come on! If you want an excuse you’ll have to do better than that! Look, I’ve known you both long enough to guess that, right now, the only thing standing between you is the obstacles that you, both of you, created!”
Jack opened his mouth to challenge that statement, but Daniel was faster.
“Like… Like, this misguided sense of duty that makes you deny feelings that are good and honest! Or, or fear of finally getting what you want when you don’t think yourself deserving.” He sighed. “But you are, Jack. You both are.”
That was probably what it felt like to be hit with a two-by-four in the face, Jack realized as he considered the truth of Daniel’s words. One thing for sure, the younger man still was too perceptive for his own good “ he had definitely put into words some of the uneasiness that Jack had been unable to label or identify. Could his hesitation really be from fear? Fear of upsetting the status quo which “ he had to admit “ had now become their new comfort zone?
Daniel sighed and closed his eyes. “Look, I’m sorry, I actually have great respect and admiration for your sense of duty, and your determination to do what’s right. But the truth is, you could be happy now. And since none of us know what the future brings… Why not take the chance now?”
Jack nodded slowly as the words continued to sink in. “Well.” He cleared his throat. “I didn’t know it, but I think this is exactly what I came here for.”
Daniel looked a little surprised that Jack didn’t storm out or beat him up or something. “Oh. Good.”
“Daniel?” Jack asked as he stood to his feet.
“Yeah?”
“You can do your research in Nevada, right?”
“Wait, what?”
“Change of plans. Teal’c’s on Dakara, right? Come on.”