shed.
~~o0o~~
Sam woke with a start as she heard the loud cries coming from the baby monitor. Jack was already on his feet, pulling a pair of sweats on. "I guess he wasn't allergic to the dairy," she stated quietly, her voice subdued.
Jack paused a moment to bend down and kiss her on the forehead. "You heard what Janet said, it could be something else you've eaten."
"So we're going to have to go through this day after day until we find out what it is?" The thought terrified her. What if it was months? How could she not go mad?
"We'll get to the bottom of it," Jack told her firmly. "Now I better go get him."
Sam watched as he headed out of the room and heard him enter the nursery moments later. She sighed, lying back down and staring at the ceiling as she listened to Jack try and soothe their son. 'Why can't I do this?' she asked herself. 'Why is the one thing I fail at have to be the most important to me?'
She smiled through her tears as she heard Jack start singing 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'. He was so wonderful with Adam. He didn't deserve to be lumbered with a wife who wasn't fit to be a mother. Both of them deserved better than her.
She got to her feet and headed to the closet, grabbing her duffel from the top shelf. She started shoving clothes in, taking no notice of what she grabbed.
"What are you doing?" Jack asked, from behind her.
Sam whirled around, dropping her duffel in surprise. Jack was standing by the door, holding a now whimpering Adam. "I..."
Jack looked at her for a long moment. "You were planning on running away, weren't you?" His voice was incredulous.
Sam looked at her feet. "I don't know. I guess I just thought..."
Jack clenched his jaw, trying not to lose his temper. "You thought what?"
"That you'd be better off without me."
"Like hell! Jesus, Sam, we talked about this! You are not going to give up! I won't let you!"
"I can't do it, Jack!" she cried. "I feel like I'm being ripped apart at the seams! Look at him, he's happy with you. You can stop his crying when he's upset. I can't."
"Has anyone ever told you that rubbing a baby's belly can help them when they're sick? Have you ever been shown ways of taking care of a stomach ache? These are things you *learn*, Sam, but you can't learn them if you run away."
Sam looked at her feet, wondering what she had been thinking. She couldn't leave them. Even if she wanted to give up, she knew Jack would never let her. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Don't apologize. Just tell me you're not going to give up. Tell me you'll try."
"I don't know if I can, Jack."
"Yes you can, Baby. You've just got to believe in yourself again."
"That's easier said than done."
"I know it is, but I know you can do it."
Sam looked at him, seeing the faith he had in her radiate from his face. She saw a tiny speck of light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe she could do this. Hadn't Jack always said that together they could do anything?
Jack saw the emotions playing across her face and then saw the slight glimmer of hope sparkle in her eyes. It was just what he'd wanted to see. He smiled at her, hoping that his next move wasn't pushing her too far.
"Hop into bed, Sam, and roll over to face my side of the bed."
Sam gave him a curious look, but did as she was told. Once there she felt Jack lean over her and he placed Adam on the bed in front of her. Adam whimpered and then started crying again as Jack hurried around to his side of the bed and lay down facing them. He propped his head up on one hand and reached out to grab Sam's free hand.
"Open out your hand and turn it over," he instructed, grasping it once she'd done as he'd said. He felt the slight shake in her hand as he held it and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
"Jack, make him stop crying," she told him, her voice quivering.
"We're going to," he assured her. "Together." He placed her hand over their baby's stomach and he gently ran it in circles, trying to soothe him. "That's it," he told her softly. "Just keep making gentle circles on his stomach."
"It's working," Sam whispered, as Adam's cries died down to the occasional whimper.
"You're doing great, Sam," he assured her. He let go of her hand and let her continue by herself.
She looked up, scared for a second, but his warm brown eyes reassured her and she looked back to her son. Adam was lying quietly now, his eyelids growing heavy as he struggled with sleep. As she continued soothing him, Sam watched as her baby finally drifted off to sleep.
*****
If I could just reach inside you
Hold and hide you
I would, baby, I would
If I could just mend what's broken
With one word spoken
I would say whatever it took
Words are never enough
That much is true
So I'm leaning on what love can do
*****
"Okay, I think we've got everything," Jack said, taking a final look into the bag he'd just packed. He looked up and smiled at Sam. "Ready for our first family outing?" he asked.
"Jack, we're going to the pediatrician, I hardly think it counts as an outing." She returned his smile, but the effect was spoiled by the dark circles under her eyes and the lackluster blue depths.
He handed her the bag and picked up the baby carrier. "Well, maybe we can go and visit Uncle Daniel and Aunty Janet after, so it does count."
Sam baulked at that. "I'm not sure I'm up for visiting, Jack."
"They're worried about you, Sam." He gave her an intense look. "We all are."
She bit back the instinct to snap at him, knowing she was giving them all reason to worry. She paused at that, finally acknowledging that there was something wrong. The tears sprung up as she struggled to reply. "I think I need help, Jack," she finally admitted.
Jack swallowed hard, nodding. "We'll get it, Baby. Whatever you need."
"I want to see Chris today. I don't think I can wait until tomorrow."
He nodded again. "Okay. Let's call her and see if she can fit you in after Adam's appointment."
"Okay," she agreed. She couldn't believe how relieved she was having admitted, both to herself and her husband, that there was something wrong with her.
Jack put his son back down and reached for the phone. He called Chris' office and her secretary told him that she could fit Sam in. "She can see you," he told his wife when he'd hung up.
Sam nodded, biting her lip. Jack smiled, walking over and pulling her into his arms. "It'll be okay, I promise."
Sam burrowed herself into his warmth, taking comfort in the strength of the arms that held her. "I believe you."
*****
Lean on me, whenever you need to
Let all those tears rain down
I believe that love can see this thing through
Even when we can't see how
No one feels the pain you feel
All I know is love can heal what nothing else can heal
*****
Jack and Sam were greeted by a graying man in his fifties when they were ushered into the doctor's office. "Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. O'Neill, I'm Doctor Jeffries." He smiled down at the slumbering baby in the carrier that Jack held. "And this must be Adam."
"Yes, it is," Jack replied, smiling down at his son.
"Okay then. Why don't you both take a seat and tell me what the problem is."
They both sat down and then Jack detailed Adam's behavior over the past week. When they'd finished, Jeffries nodded thoughtfully. "Well, my immediate thoughts would be along the same lines as Doctor Fraiser. It does sound like he has an aggravation to something he's ingesting." He looked at Sam. "As you're breastfeeding, then it goes without saying that would mean it's something in your breast milk. Now, dairy is the most common source, but I've found that it can be something as obscure as broccoli."
"Do we have to find out what it is by trial and error?" she asked, unable to hide the slight tremor in her voice.
"Well, let's take a look at him first and rule out any other possibilities. Then we can decide what our course of action is."
Jack gently took Adam out of his carrier so Doctor Jeffries could check him over. "He's lost a little weight since he was discharged from the hospital," he informed them as he took the baby off the scales. "That's not surprising if he's had an upset stomach, but it is something we have to rectify. I'll send off the blood I took for testing to rule out anything else."
"But you still think it's something Sam's eating," Jack said as he sat back down in front of the doctor's desk.
"I do."
"Your partner suggested that I was feeding him wrong," Sam said.
Jeffries winced slightly at the edge in her voice. "And I bet he was rather tactless about it. I'm sorry, the man is truly gifted with treating children, but he's not too great with adults." He gave her a reassuring smile. "Adam's symptoms aren't indicative of that."
Sam nodded. "Okay, so you think it's something I'm eating. I have to tell you, the thought of finding out what it is by trial and error..."
"Sounds like the worst form of torture?" Jeffries asked with a smile. "I agree."
Sam smiled when she realized that he wasn't going to think any less of her for having those thoughts. "I don't suppose there's another way?"
"What I'd like to do at this time is put Adam on a part breast milk, part formula diet. I'm concerned that he's lost some weight, but at the same time, I'm a firm supporter of breastfeeding and I don't want you to give that up if there's another cause for this." He grabbed a pad and paper and wrote down a name. "This brand of formula is great for babies who've had gastro and the like. Alternate between breast milk and formula for the next week and then when the test results are back we'll review that."
"Thank you," Jack said, getting to his feet and picking up the baby carrier.
"You're welcome. Just make an appointment with my secretary on the way out and don't hesitate to call me if you have any questions."
They made an appointment before heading out into the hospital corridor. "Okay," Jack said, keeping his voice light. "You ready for the next one?"
"Not really," Sam admitted. "But I'm not going to back out."
He smiled, pulling her to his side. "That's my girl."
*****
"Hi, Sam. Hey, Jack," Chris greeted, as she entered the exam room. "I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow." She looked into the carrier and smiled at the sleeping baby. "How's SG-1's newest addition?" She smiled wider, admitting to herself that what had simply started out as a fascinating case had well and truly become personal to her.
"He hasn't been terribly happy," Jack told her. He looked across at Sam. "He's not the only one."
Chris looked up at that, her gaze immediately moving to Sam. "Sam? Is there something wrong? Are you feeling any pain?" Her medical mind shifted into gear, sifting through the assortment of postpartum problems.
"No," Sam replied. "Well, not physical anyway."
Chris gave Sam an encouraging smile. "New mom's often feel a little overwhelmed, Sam."
Jack shook his head. "We think it's a little more serious than that, Doc. Janet told us we should see you about it. She was worried."
"Oh," Chris replied, her heart sinking. 'Haven't these two been through enough?' she thought to herself. "Okay. Let's give you your physical exam first, then we can talk."
Once her exam was over and she'd changed back into her clothes, Sam and Jack met Chris in her office. "Okay, so physically your fine, Sam, but I gather that emotionally, you're not feeling too great?"
Sam nodded and told Chris what had been happening over the last week. "It's been getting worse," she admitted.
Chris nodded and was about to speak when Adam interrupted her, waking up and starting to cry. "Sorry," Jack told her. He took his son out of the carrier, getting to his feet and trying to soothe him.
Chris looked to Sam and could see she was getting increasingly agitated the longer Adam cried. "Jack, why don't you take him for a walk while Sam and I talk?"
Jack nodded, albeit reluctantly. "Okay. I won't be far away if you need me."
Chris waited until he'd gone before turning back to her patient. Sam was biting her lower lip to stop it quivering, knowing the doctor had seen her reaction. "Okay, Sam. Take a couple of deep breaths for me."
She did as she was told, but her voice still quivered when she spoke. "It's like that every time he cries," she admitted. "I just can't stop it."
"It's all right, Sam. You've taken the hardest step by admitting there's a problem. Now, the first thing I'd like to do is put you on an anti-depressant. It's not going to be a quick cure, but it will help you feel more in control of your emotions."
"Won't they harm Adam?" she asked.
"They've done extensive tests and consider them safe for lactating mothers," Chris assured her. "I'd also like you to go to the New Mother's Support Group we hold here at the hospital. You don't have to keep going if you don't like it, but I think it'll help for you to realize that your fears are pretty normal for a new mother."
"Do I have to start seeing a therapist?" Sam asked.
"At this stage, no. I'd like to see if the anti-depressants help first, if not then the next step is psychotherapy. Having said that, try to talk to your husband and don't let your feelings get all bottled up. Tell him what you're feeling and you'll be surprised at how cathartic it is." She smiled. "I also want you to get some help around the house."
"Well Jack's home..."
"No," Chris interrupted. "I want Jack's focus to be you and Adam. Get someone else to help you."
"Okay," Sam agreed.
Chris smiled. "Good. Now, if you have no further questions I'd like to speak to Jack for a moment."
Sam nodded, accepting the script that Chris handed her. "I'll just get him."
*****
Jack walked back in a few minutes later, holding Adam and looking a more than a little worried. "Sam said you wanted to see me?" he asked.
Chris smiled. "Sit down, Jack. I just wanted to talk to you about your role in Sam's recovery."
"So you think she has got this Postpartum thing?" he asked.
"I think she's in the early stages, yes. I've put her on an anti-depressant." She held up her hand to stop his protest. "It's perfectly safe for Adam, don't worry, but it'll take a week or more for you to really start seeing a difference and even then she's going to have her good days and her bad days."
"What can I do?" he asked.
"Just be patient and supportive. Encourage her with Adam but don't push her. You'll have to take your lead from her."
"I can do that."
"Good. I've also suggested to Sam that you get some help around the house. You're focus is Sam and Adam and her focus is herself and her child. Having said that, don't neglect yourself, Jack. She needs you to be strong, but this affects you as well."
"I'm okay," he assured her.
She shook her head. "Listen, I know talking isn't the manly thing to do, but you bottling things up isn't going to help anyone. I've got some pamphlets here that you can take a look at, just so you understand what's happening." She handed him the pamphlets, giving him an encouraging smile. "Sam's a strong woman and she can beat this."
Jack nodded. "Thanks, Chris."
"Anytime, Jack. Give me a call if you need me, okay?"
Jack nodded again, getting to his feet. "We will, thanks." He turned and headed out the door and into the waiting room. Jack's eyes quickly scanned the room and he could hardly contain his sense of relief when he spotted his wife sitting quietly in the corner. He hadn't realized until that moment just how worried he'd been that she'd take off while he was talking to Chris.
"You ready?" he asked, holding out a hand for her.
Sam nodded, accepting his hand and letting him pull her to her feet. "What'd she say to you?" she asked, as they headed out of the hospital a few minutes later.
"Just that I had to look after both my babies," he replied with a smile. "What'd she say to you?"
"She wants me to go to a support group," she replied. "At least I don't have to see a psychiatrist. Not yet, anyway."
"Well, we all know that your opinion of shrinks has gone downhill over the last few years."
"Can you blame me, having Mackenzie around?"
"Not at all, Angel." They got into the car and then he turned to look at her. "You right to go?"
"I really don't feel up to visiting Janet and Daniel, Jack."
"Okay, we'll just stop off at the pharmacy on the way home and get this formula and your pills," Jack said as he pulled out of the parking space.
Sam baulked. "Can't you take me home first?" she asked.
"It's on the way, Sam. We'll be five minutes."
She sighed, but didn't say anything else until they pulled into the parking lot outside the store. "I'll just wait in the car."
"No!" Jack replied, fiercer than he'd intended. He took a deep breath to calm himself. "I mean, it'll do you good to get out, Sam. Come on, we won't be long." He cursed himself for overreacting like that. He just didn't want to leave her alone and give her the chance to run away. Chris said that the pills would take a while to work, he just had to keep her together long enough for that to happen.
"Fine, I'll go," Sam agreed, more to stop him hassling her than anything.
She waited while he got Adam out of the car and declined when he asked if she wanted to carry him. Jack didn't push her, he just cradled his son in one arm and reached out with his free hand to take hers firmly. "Ready?"
"I guess."
He smiled. "Come on, then."
Jack led her into the store and they got the script filled before quickly finding the formula they wanted. Sam was starting to relax a little as they paid at the register, when they heard a familiar voice.
"Jack? Sam?"
They both turned around to see Jack's ex-wife standing there, a surprised look on her face. "Hey, Sara," Jack greeted, a hand instinctively going to the small of Sam's back.
Sara's eyes widened when she noticed the bundle in Jack's arm. "Oh."
Sam shifted uncomfortably. She'd wanted Jack to contact Sara and let her know about the baby months ago, for this very reason. He'd argued that it shouldn't matter anyway, she was no longer in his life, but watching as the woman paled in front of them, Sam could see that he was wrong. After all, they'd had a child together who had died, surely it had to affect her seeing him with a baby he'd had with another woman.
"Congratulations," Sara finally managed, smiling bravely. "I mean, I gather..." She pointed vaguely between the two of them.
"Uh, yeah," Jack replied. "This is Adam."
"He's beautiful," she whispered, pleased the baby looked nothing like Charlie. Somehow, that would have made it a whole lot worse. "How old is he?"
"Two weeks," Jack told her, glancing across at Sam. She looked so uncomfortable and she'd had such a hard day already, Jack really didn't want to put her through anything else. "Well, I really should be getting these two home before he wakes up for a feed. It was good to see you again, Sara," he told her sincerely.
"It was good to see you too. I'm happy you're both doing so well." She looked down once more at the child and had to blink back tears. "And congratulations on the new arrival."
"Thanks," Jack replied, smiling his goodbye as he ushered Sam towards the door.
She said nothing as they headed over to the Jeep and stayed silent after Jack had put Adam in the car. She got in the passenger seat and sat quietly while he got in beside her.
He paused then, reaching over and touching her hand. "You okay?" he asked.
She shrugged. "I feel horrible, Jack. Sara should never have found out that way."
"She was okay," he defended, although in the back of his mind he wasn't so sure.
"She was devastated! We should have told her months ago."
Jack sighed. "Maybe, but she would have felt the same no matter when we'd told her, Sam." He sighed. "At least now she knows." He leant over, kissing Sam on the cheek. "This isn't something you need to worry about at the moment. You've got enough on your plate as it is."
"I know. I just feel so sorry for her."
"Don't, Sam. It's been eight years since Charlie died. Neither one of us can ever forget him, but if I can move on, then she can too."
"Maybe she's still in love with you," she suggested, her voice quiet.
Jack looked at her closely, seeing the vulnerability in her face. "Then she really needs to move on. Baby, I'm in love with *you* and I'm not going to run just because the going gets tough. We've been through so much together and we'll get through this, together." He leant over and sealed his promise with a lingering kiss.
*****
"I feel like I've forgotten something," Sam said, as she packed Adam's bag one week later.
Jack grinned, pleased that she'd volunteered for the task. "How about the baby?" he asked.
"Funny, Jack."
He kept grinning as he watched her look through the bag once more. He'd noticed a difference in her the last couple of days. She was still nervous around the baby and unsure of herself, but she seemed more in control then she had been and he guessed that the anti-depressants had started doing their thing. He was under no illusions that this meant everything was better now, but it sure was a good start.
"Come on, Sam. I'm sure you've got everything. If we don't go now, we're gonna be late."
She took a deep breath, turning to face him. "Okay, I'm ready."
He chuckled, picking up the baby carrier and heading for the door. "Relax. We're going to the pediatrician, not the firing squad."
"I'm sorry, it's just... what if there's something wrong with him, Jack?"
He turned back to look at her, smiling reassuringly. "He'll be fine and after today, hopefully he'll be a lot happier."
"That would be good," she admitted.
"I couldn't agree more."
She nodded, straightening her shoulders. "Okay, let's go."
They drove to the Academy Hospital and headed up to Doctor Jeffries office. Once there, they waited nervously in the waiting room until it was finally their turn.
"Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. O'Neill. How's our patient doing?"
"He's a little better, I guess," Jack replied, taking Adam out of the carrier. "He's still been pretty unsettled, but the formula seemed to help a bit."
"Okay, well let's just check his weight and then we can discuss his test results."
Jack followed the doctor and placed his son on the scales. "Ah, good," Jeffries exclaimed. "He's gained a few ounces."
He indicated to Jack that they move back over to his desk and they all sat down. "Okay," he started, once they were all settled. "I've had a chance to review Adam's tests and I've talked to Doctor Dalley as well. The blood tests indicate that Adam's naquadah levels have dropped since he was born. Now, you're aware that the amniocentesis you had when you were pregnant indicated that the protein marker you retained following the Tok'ra's death was not passed on to your son?"
Sam nodded. "Yeah, Doctor Dalley thought it was probably a good thing."
"She's right. It means that Adam should react as a normal, human child. What we assumed, however, was that he would retain the naquadah that was passed to him while you were pregnant. It appears now that is not the case."
"Isn't that a good thing?" Jack asked.
"Yes and no. It means that we won't have any problems with the naquadah reacting with medications in the future, but because we assumed that Adam would retain the naquadah, we didn't think that the naquadah in Mrs. O'Neill's breast milk would be a problem. I now believe that to be wrong. I think that the naquadah is irritating your son's digestive system, causing the stomach upsets and general unsettledness."
"Okay, so how do we stop that?" Jack asked.
"I stop breast feeding," Sam replied.
Jeffries nodded. "Mrs. O'Neill is correct. I think it would be best to cut out breast feeding all together and start Adam on a formula diet. You've had no problems getting him to accept the bottle?"
"No," Jack replied. "He's been fine."
Doctor Jeffries smiled. "That's good. Now, Mrs. O'Neill, I realize it will be a disappointment for you to stop nursing..."
Sam shook her head. "Actually, I feel better about it. I was put on anti-depressants last week and, although Doctor Dalley assured me they were safe for Adam, I was still concerned."
Jeffries gave her a reassuring smile. "He'll be a lot easier to live with now. You might find he'll be a little unsettled for a few more days while the naquadah leaves his system, but it shouldn't be as bad as he was."
Sam smiled. "You don't know how much of a relief that is to hear."
Jeffries returned her smile. "Actually, I do. All three of my children were lactose intolerant. The first one was the worst, but once you know the signs, it's not so bad the second and third time."
"This would mean that Sam wouldn't be able to breastfeed if we had more children, wouldn't it?"
"Possibly," Jeffries agreed. "But that's something we'd have to determine if and when it arises."
Jack nodded. "Okay, so that's all we have to do? Start feeding him with a bottle full time?"
"Yes, I think that will solve the problem. If there isn't any change in a couple of weeks then bring him back, but I can't find any other source for his unsettledness."
"Thanks," Jack said as he got to his feet.
"Yes, thank you," Sam agreed.
"I'm glad I could help."
They said their farewells and headed out of the office. "Okay," Jack said, as they stepped into the elevator. "Let's get home and meet this housekeeper that Jocelyn recommended."
Sam nodded and followed him out to the car.
*****
"Hi!" a tall, graying woman greeted as Jack opened the front door an hour later. "I'm Jackie Franey."
"Jack O'Neill," Jack replied. "Come on in."
"Thanks," she said, her southern accent thick. "You've got a lovely home here, Mr. O'Neill."
"We like it," Sam told her, smiling as she walked down the stairs.
"Mrs. Franey, this is my wife, Sam."
"It's Jackie, and it's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. O'Neill."
"Please, call me Sam."
Jack smiled at his wife. "Adam go down okay?"
She nodded. "Out like a light."
"That's right, Mrs. King mentioned you had a new arrival. Only a few weeks old, isn't he?"
"Three," Jack replied, indicating she take a seat.
"That's why you're looking for some help then?" she asked.
Jack nodded. "It's a bit stressful with the baby..."
"Jack," Sam interrupted. "If she's going to be working for us, she needs to know what's going on." She turned back to Mrs. Franey. "I was recently diagnosed with Post Partum Depression," she admitted.
Mrs. Franey gave her a reassuring smile. "Then you don't want to be trying to keep a big house like this," she agreed.
"I don't know how long it will be for," Sam warned her.
"That's fine, Mrs. O'Neill. You just tell me when you're ready to take over doing something. That way, you can ease your way back into it and it won't be so stressful for you." She gave Sam a motherly smile. "Now, I don't want be telling you how to raise your boy, but I had seven children of my own so if you need help or advice, just holler."
"Thanks," Sam told her.
Mrs. Franey nodded, getting to her feet. "Well, I'll start tomorrow morning, if that's all right?"
"Great," Jack agreed, standing.
Mrs. Franey smiled at Sam, patting her on the shoulder. "Don't you worry, honey. The first one's always the hardest. You wait until you get to three or four, you'll be able to do it all in your sleep."
Sam barely withheld a grimace at the thought, but simply nodded to the older woman before Jack showed her to the door.
"She seems great!" Jack enthused, as he sat down beside her and put an arm around her shoulders. "Don't you think?"
"Yeah," she agreed, her mind elsewhere. Why was it that everyone assumed they would be having more children? The thought was almost incomprehensible. Sam wrung her hands, but knew she had to get it out in the open. "Jack?"
"Yeah, Sam?" he asked, turning to look at her.
"Would you hate me if I said I didn't want more children?"
He smiled, pulling her closer against him. "Firstly, I could never hate you, Baby. Secondly, I wouldn't be surprised if, at the moment, you told me you never wanted me to touch you again." He kissed her gently. "That's pretty normal. Give it some time and you'll probably feel different."
"And if I don't?"
"Then we don't. It's not something you need to worry about now."
She nodded. "I just wanted you to know what I was feeling. Chris said it was important that I don't bottle anything up." She sighed. "It's hard for me to admit that I'm feeling so vulnerable, Jack. Even to you." She shrugged. "Maybe even especially to you." She saw him raise an eyebrow. "I've always been a strong person and from the start I wanted to prove myself to you. Show you that I wasn't weak because I was a woman and a scientist. That's still there, Jack. Even though you've seen me at my lowest, or maybe because of that, I feel I need to show you that I'm strong." She smiled. "You've always seen me as perfect, it's hard not to live up to that."
"I'm sorry if I've put you under any pressure, Sam. Is that why you felt you couldn't tell me what was happening?"
She saw the hurt and self recrimination in his eyes. "No, Jack. I couldn't admit to you that there was a problem because I couldn't admit it to myself. I couldn't handle the fact that there was something I couldn't do and I saw myself as a failure."
"Sam..."
She held up her hand. "I know I'm not a failure, but at the time that's how I felt. When I went to that support group, the women there had the same fears as me, the same problems and I realized that I'm normal." She grinned a little. "I may be able to work out any science problem, but when it comes to motherhood, I'm as clueless as everyone else." She looked over and caught him staring at her. "What?"
"Do you know how beautiful you are when you smile? It's been a while since I've seen one."
"I guess it has. I hope I start smiling more now."
"Me too, baby. Me too."
*****
It was just over a week later that Jack found himself snooping in the kitchen.
"Can I help you with something?" Jackie asked, grinning.
"No, no," he replied. "I was just..."
"Just checking out what was for dinner?"
He grinned. "It smells great!"
"It's Hungarian Goulash. Something nice and hearty for Mrs. O'Neill, now she's getting her appetite back."
"You're too good to us, Jackie," he told the woman.
"Nonsense. Now, this is ready, so it just needs to be reheated when you're ready for dinner. If there's nothing else, I'll be heading off for the day."
"You're doing a great job, thanks," Jack told her sincerely.
"It's not a problem. Tell Mrs. O'Neill I said goodbye."
Jack walked her to the door, spotting Janet as she pulled up in the drive. He waved goodbye to Jackie as Janet walked up to the door. "Hi, Janet," he greeted.
"Hi, Jack. How's Mrs. Franey turning out?"
"She's great!" he replied, ushering her inside. "Can I get you a drink?"
"No, thanks. I just came to see Sam. I've been so busy at the Base lately, I just haven't had time to stop by."
"I'm sure she understands. She's up in the shower at the moment," he told her, taking a seat as she did the same.
"How's she doing?" Janet asked.
"Better," Jack replied, his voice sounding both relieved and exhausted. "The pills have started doing their thing and she's calmer. She's taking more of an interest in Adam now."
"That's great, Jack. Just don't expect too much too soon."
He nodded. "I know, Chris told me she'd have her good days and her bad days. At least it looks like the anti-depressants are working. Chris said they don't always, but she was fairly confident with Sam because we caught it so early."
Janet nodded. "That's good news." She watched her friend for a long moment. "Is there something else?"
He looked up quickly. "Nothing."
She sighed. "Jack, I know you. What else is wrong?"
He sighed, looking down at his hands. "I can't help but think this is my fault," he admitted.
"Jack, no!" she replied immediately. "This is *nobody's* fault! How could you think such a thing?"
He shrugged. "I just think that if I hadn't gone on that mission, things wouldn't have gotten so bad."
"You told me you were worried about her before you went on that mission, Jack. You knew this was there before that."
"But me going away made it worse, didn't it?"
"It brought the problem to light, yes, but it meant that we could catch this before it became more serious. You've read the books, Jack. You know that women with Postpartum Depression can become suicidal or even homicidal. You saved Sam a lot of heartache and it now means that she has an excellent chance of beating this."
He nodded, but still looked uncertain. "There's something else that I never told you. That night after I got back... Adam started crying and I went to get him. When I went back into our room I caught Sam packing her bags. She was going to run away."
"My God," Janet breathed.
He nodded, finally looking up at her with troubled brown eyes. "I am scared to death that I'm going to turn my back for a minute and when I turn back around she'll be gone."
Janet couldn't resist anymore. She moved to sit beside him and wrapped her arms around him. "She's going to be okay. You both are," she soothed. "You know she's calmer and more in control now and she's going to keep getting better. Just keep being as patient and supportive as you've been." She hugged him tight. "Sam loves you and she loves Adam. Now that's she's feeling more herself, she couldn't run away from either of you."
He nodded, taking a steadying breath before pulling away. "Thanks, Janet. I... Thanks," he settled for, not knowing what else to say. He was uncomfortable showing his emotions in front of her, even if she had helped him through some low times in the past few years. "Listen," he began, feeling the need to change the subject. "Can you stay with Sam and Adam for a while? I need to go to the Base and sort some stuff out with Hammond."
Janet nodded. "Of course I will. You go."
"Thanks. Adam should be awake in an hour for a bottle."
"Don't worry. We'll be fine," she assured him.
"I'll just go and tell Sam I'm going."
Janet waited and he returned a few minutes later, pulling his jacket on. "She's just getting dressed and she'll be down. You've got my cell number if you need me or call the Base."
"Jack..."
"I know, I know. You can handle it. Thanks," he said, giving her one last smile before heading out the door.
Janet shook her head with a smile as he finally left. She turned to see her best friend walking down the stairs, running a hand through her damp hair.
"You mean he actually left?" Sam asked, seeing the amusement on her friend's face.
"After leaving strict instructions on how he can be reached," Janet replied.
Sam shook her head. "He's been great and all, but he doesn't seem to understand that I don't need a babysitter."
"He just doesn't want you to feel overwhelmed," Janet assured her.
Sam sat on the sofa with a sigh. "I know, but I need to start doing things for myself. I'm never going to get better if I don't try."
"Sweetie, it's only been a few weeks since you started taking the anti-depressants. We all know you can beat this, but don't push yourself too hard too soon. Just take your time, Sam."
Sam nodded. "You know," she began, after a pause. "I think the real reason Jack doesn't want to leave me alone is because he's worried that I'll take off." She saw Janet nod her agreement. "So, he told you?"
"He did."
"Not exactly my finest hour."
"You weren't exactly yourself at the time," Janet pointed out.
"True. It's actually a lot like when Jolinar took over me," she admitted.
"How do you mean?"
"I felt disconnected from my body. It was like I was no longer in control."
"Sounds terrifying."
Sam nodded. "It was, still is I guess. I was pushing my baby away, pushing Jack away, and there was nothing I could do about it. I can still feel it, but at least the anti-depressants have allowed me some control. I guess as I get stronger, it'll get easier."
"It will, Sam, you just have to remember that."
They continued to talk until they were interrupted almost an hour later by cries coming through the baby monitor. Sam looked at her watch. "Right on time." She smiled at Janet. "Come and see your Godson. Jack's not here to hog him now."
She went and heated up a bottle before they headed up to the nursery, where Adam was demanding attention. "Hey, little one, you sure got Daddy's lungs, didn't you?"
"You need a hand, Sam?" Janet asked.
"I'm okay at the moment, thanks." She sat in the rocking chair and gave Adam his bottle. "If he sticks to his routine, then I'm okay. It's only when he gets off it that things get a little..."
"Tense?"
"Scary's probably a better word. Isn't it horrible that I'm scared of my own child?"
"It's just the situation that scares you, Sam, not your son. Besides, look how much better you're doing now."
Sam smiled. "You're seeing me on a good day."
*****
Jack was in a world of his own as he drove home. So lost in thought, it took him a moment to register the sound of his cell phone. "O'Neill," he answered.
"Jack? It's Janet."
"What's wrong?" he asked immediately.
"Nothing's wrong, not with Sam or Adam anyway. I have to get to the Base though. SG-7 were injured in a landslide and I'm needed. How far away are you?"
"About twenty minutes," he replied.
"I'm half an hour away as it is and they need me urgently."
"Janet, can't you wait until I get there?" he pleaded.
"She's okay, Jack. You're twenty minutes away and I can't wait. It's a medical emergency." She paused. "You just stepped on the gas, didn't you?" The silence was the only reply she needed. "Getting yourself killed isn't going to help the situation. You said yourself, she's a lot calmer now and I think maybe she needs us to show her that we trust her. Besides, Adam shouldn't wake up for another couple of hours."
Jack sighed, easing off the accelerator a little, but staying just over the speed limit. "It's just... she's doing better. I don't want something to happen that's gonna set her back again."
"I know, Jack, it's the last thing I want as well, but she promised me she'd be fine. Trust her, Jack. She's not going to run away before you get back."
"Okay," he sighed, his voice resigned.
"Good, and if you're speeding when I pass you, so help me - you're butt will be my personal pin cushion."
"Yes, ma'am," he grinned.
*****
Fifteen minutes later, Jack pulled up in their drive. He had a feeling that Janet was gonna be calling to visit later and bringing a big needle with her, but right now he was more concerned about his wife and child. He got out of the jeep and rushed up to the door. As he entered, he immediately heard Adam's cries over the baby monitor that lay on the coffee table. He was about to run upstairs when he heard Sam's soft voice.
"Hey, Adam, I thought you were gonna sleep until Daddy got home?" There was a pause before she spoke again. "Well you're not wet and it's not time for dinner yet. How about we just sit here for a while?"
Jack listened as his son's cries stopped. He smiled slightly, grabbing the baby monitor and walking quietly up the stairs, all the while listening to his wife.
"I know you must be confused, Adam. Mommy's been pretty out of it, hasn't she? It's not your fault, little one, and I want you to know that I love you *so* much. You're just going to have to be patient with me, because I'm still learning and I'm still scared that I'm going to mess this all up."
Jack stood at the door to the nursery, watching Sam as she sat in the rocking chair, holding their son. She was playing with a tiny fist as she rocked him, her eyes riveted to the bundle in her arms.
"I don't know why I thought I could ever leave you," she continued. "You and your daddy mean the world to me and I'd be lost without the both of you."
"And we'd be lost without you," Jack murmured, making his presence known.
Sam looked up, startled. "Jack! I... he woke up and he didn't need changing. I thought... maybe he just wanted to be held." She looked so unsure of herself as she sat there.
Jack gave her a reassuring smile. "Looks like it, doesn't it. He must have wanted to be close to his mom." He bent down and kissed her forehead. "I know the feeling."
Sam smiled. "Do you want to sit with us for a while? I just want to sit here with him for a while."
"That sounds nice," he replied, gesturing that she get up. He sat in the rocker, letting her sit back on his lap and curl up against him as much as she could with Adam in her arms.
"This is how I imagined it," she murmured, a few minutes later.
"Mmm?"
"When I was pregnant, I'd imagine us sitting here together, just watching him sleep. I'm kind of glad all my daydreams weren't blown out of the water by reality."
Jack wasn't sure how to reply to that, so he simply kissed her temple and relaxed against the back of the chair. It was how he'd imagined it as well. He hadn't thought that anything else could go wrong after the battle they'd had bringing Adam into the world. Hopefully now, the powers that be would allow them a little happiness. After all they'd done, didn't they deserve it?
*****
Words are never enough, that much is true
So I'm leaning on what love can do
*****
Story Notes: A huge thanks to my two beta gal's, Kes and Jenn! Another huge thanks to Sue for her medical input and Ann for that wonderful AIM chat on food intolerance! ;-)
DEDICATION: To Jenn, after all it was her ideas that got me to add this chapter.
DEDICATION: To Jenn, after all it was her ideas that got me to add this chapter.
End Notes: COMING SOON: Songbook Series 27: If Tomorrow Never Comes
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]