I knew when I saw her standing at the base of the gate that that was the moment I was ready to give it all up. She stood there tired and worn but in one piece and I sent a silent prayer to whatever god was listening. Her smile was gone and in its place was a look of disbelief, confusion and pain. I stood frozen as I watched the medics do their thing. She would give them a nod, never speaking, still wondering how the hell she made it back alive. I was wondering the same thing. It wasn’t until the medics began to lead her to the exit of the gateroom that she saw me standing near the door. I watched her intently and I desperately wanted to smile and reassure her but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything but stand there and stare, my own face giving away my disbelief. I had sent her to die and now I had to face her. Her eyes were fixed on me, waiting for me to welcome her back, waiting for me to tell her that it was all going to be ok. But I wasgripped with my own guilt so I gave her a slight nod. No smile, no grin, no look of sympathy or joy. Nothing. She looked away and left with Dr. Fraiser at her side. Yeah, this was it. This was the moment when I realized maybe it isn’t all worth it.
~*~
“It’s too risky,” I’d told her. But the minute the words came out of my mouth I knew I was going to have to send her in. I stood back, waiting for her to give me a reason not to send her, knowing she would, instead, have many good reasons why I should send her. Of course she had several and I let her rattle them off as I tried desperately to think of an alternative. Nothing came to mind. Damn it.
She waited for my order. Hell, I think she might’ve gone on without an order and worry about insubordination later. But she knew there wouldn’t be a later. It was here and now. I wish she would’ve defied my orders to make her stay, and then I wouldn’t have this guilt suffocating me. Damn her. So, after many arguments, I had to let her go. Needs of the many…blah blah blah. Jonas was pulling a ‘Daniel’ with his many objections and I came real close to knocking him on his ass. Teal’c pulled him aside and gave him the ‘don’t mess with O’Neill look’ and he shut up.
That’s when Carter walked up to me and quietly pulled me aside to tell me that she could do this, that there wasn’t any other way. She was right and in that moment I thought I would never see her again. This was the moment I’d dreaded since I met her. It seemed inevitable though, as many times as we’d escaped death, our number had to be up soon. Hell, if it could happen to Daniel, it could happen to any of us.
She gathered her pack and Jonas helped her with the symbols she would need to know and then she turned to look at each of us. Teal’c bowed his head. Jonas surprised all of us by pulling Carter into a hug. I looked away; I didn’t want to feel anything. I wanted her to just go. I wanted to treat it like she was going to be back. I wasn’t ready to face any other reality. She wasn’t crying or smiling or anything. She nodded to me and I nodded to her and told her good luck and then I let her walk away. It was just easier that way. No big goodbyes, because I had to believe that she was coming back.
But then, damn it, she stopped at the door and I had a small thread of hope that maybe she’d thought of another way. “Carter?” I asked, the hope escaping in my voice. I saw her take a deep breath before she turned around and looked straight at me, a determined look in her eyes. She flung off my cap, grabbed me by my face and kissed me. I mean, she really laid one on me. At first I was in shock but then I gave in and took advantage of the feel of her lips, the curve of her body as I grabbed her hips and pulled her in closer. Then, just as suddenly as she’d started it, she broke it off, turned around, grabbed her pack and was out the door without turning around. And for a few brief seconds life was really good. But then there was the whole reality thing creeping back in and so I snapped back into Colonel mode and we went on with the mission. There would be time to think about all that I’d just lost later. Hey, she wasn’t dead yet, and until I had proof, there was hope that she would make it out of this alive.
I stared at the rubble left and after an exhaustive search it was decided that there were no survivors. I think I turned over every stone myself just to make sure. I didn’t want to give up because something kept telling me that she was alive. Teal’c came and stood next to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. It was time to leave and face the truth. I was so numb. I thought that if I let myself think about this then I would fall apart so I pulled my grief on like armor and held it tight. Life would go on and I would drift right along with it. As I walked back to the Stargate I kept thinking about Jacob and how I was going to tell him. The standard lines floating in my head about how she was a good soldier, a fine officer, she died saving many lives…blah blah blah. All that was true but what kept gnawing at me was that familiar pain I would see in his eyes.
So when the intercom announced an unscheduled off-world activation I thought it would be Jacob so I made my way down to the gate room, dreading the inevitable. But when I arrived I saw more than Jacob, I saw Carter…Sam.
And in that moment, when I saw her standing at the base of the gate, that was the moment that I was ready to give it all up.
~*~
I watched Janet as she worked her magic over Sam’s few cuts and bruises, Jacob standing nearby like a protective father. Occasionally he would glance at me with a polite smile and I wondered how much he knew and whether he blamed me. But I didn’t want to dwell on that. Carter was alive and well and starting to get some of that wonderfully familiar glow back.
Later, after Sam was bandaged up and off resting, Jacob came to see me. As a former commander he knew how hard it was to send someone to his or her death. And I think he knew how especially hard it was for me to send Carter. He offered some reassuring words but I just wasn’t ready to hear them. I needed to wallow in self-pity and guilt for a little while longer.
I hadn’t completely ignored her since her return. I’d been in the infirmary the whole time and I even managed a ‘welcome back, well done’ before retreating to my office. But now I knew she was up and about and Dr. Fraiser was sending her home for a few days for some well-deserved downtime.
She hadn’t told anyone how she made it out alive, just that she didn’t know if her IDC codes would work so that’s why she went to the Tok’ra. When the doctors or Hammond asked wht happened she would just say she didn’t know and then she would get this far away look as if she didn’t want to let go of some memory. I know Carter is brilliant and a damn fine soldier but even she couldn’t have made it out of that one alive. I wanted to know who to thank. So I caught up with her just before she left and offered to walk her to her car. Of course she dismissed me politely but I was determined to know what happened…and I just needed to be near her.
She would only engage in polite small talk until we reached her car. At that point she turned to me, crossing her arms against the cold wind blowing past and looking down as if trying to decide how much she was going to tell me. I took a small step closer to close the gap between us and to let her know that she could tell me anything. It was the best I could do.
The gesture didn’t go unnoticed and she looked up at me with a grateful smile. But then the smile faded and she leaned in slightly, “It was Daniel,” she said and then waited for my response. Like an idiot, I just stood there with my usual confused look. That got me another smile before she continued, “Daniel saved me. He protected me and stayed with me until I was able to get home.”
I didn’t know what to say. She waited for me to respond but all I could come up with was “Why?”
She shrugged but then she looked at me pointedly as if she figured out what he meant, “He said I had some unfinished business.”
I didn’t get it, “With the Goa’uld?”
She looked down and smiled as if it was all making sense to her. When she looked back up at me it was with a look I hadn’t seen before. I’ve seen her afraid, happy, sad, and even a look of confusion but this was the first time I saw love. For me. I saw her openly show the love she felt for me and I thought I was going to go weak in the knees. And then it hit me why Daniel saved her, why she was standing here looking at me with such open affection and for the first time in a very long time I knew that things were going to be ok. Ok with the world, ok with life and especially ok with Sam and me.
I owe you one buddy.
the end
Story Notes: dedication: as always, this is for Mark.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]