"Look! I think he’s coming around."
Jack opened one eye cautiously, trying to hide from the bright light. As the haziness subsided he realised he was in the infirmary on base with 3 concerned heads watching him. Sam smiled at him while Daniel merely looked anxious. Janet was all business, shining a bright little torch into his eyes.
"How do you feel Colonel?" Janet asked.
"Head hurts, but I’m good. Can I go now?"
"Sorry sir but you just woke up," Carter smiled at him again, this time apologetically.
"What’s the last thing you remember Jack?" Daniel asked, wringing his hands slightly.
Jack looked at him curiously. Why the hell was Danny so jumpy? "I was in my quarters with all of SG1 having our own little party. I was talking to Carter, drinking my beer and the next thing I know I was hit from behind. Then I woke up here."
A little white angel wearing Jack’s face and a halo popped up on his left shoulder. "You were about to kiss Sam you know!"
Jack turned his head quickly, looking at the 4 inch angel. His jaw dropped as the angel continued. "You know it’s against regulations! And you were so very, very drunk." The Jack angel shook its head disapprovingly.
"You should’ve kissed her! Its what you wanted to do." A little red devil appeared on his right shoulder, looking once again like him, but with little horns and a pointed tail.
Jack quickly turned his head the other way. "Wha…?" he managed to get out.
"I’m your good side," the angel stated proudly, causing Jack to turn his head again.
"And I’m your bad side," said the devil, grinning wickedly.
"For crying out loud," Jack muttered.
Sam, Daniel and Janet were looking at him strangely. "Colonel O’Neill are you ok?" Janet asked, concern etched on her face.
"What you guys can’t see them?" Jack asked incredulously.
"See what sir?" Sam asked confused.
Jack hedged a bit, "Ah never mind."
Teal’C walked in at that moment, saving Jack from further questioning and embarrassment. "I am glad to see you are awake O’Neill."
"Thank you Teal’C. Going somewhere?" Jack asked, noticing Teal’C’s garb.
"Yes, we are all on stand down until Doctor Fraser has cleared you for active duty. I am going home to see my wife and son."
"Tell them I said hi!" Jack then turned and looked at Janet. "So cleared me yet?"
"Sorry Colonel, I might see fit to release you but I don’t think I can clear you for duty for another few days."
"Cleared me yet Doc?"
"Colonel," Janet began warningly.
"Ok, ok." Jack held up his hands in mock surrender.
"I am also glad to see you have not maimed Daniel Jackson," Teal’C said in his usual monotone.
Daniel groaned quietly. Jack looked at them suspiciously. "Why would I hurt Daniel Teal’C?"
Getting no answer from any of them, he looked at Carter. "Don’t make me order you Major!"
"Well you see sir, we were talking and Daniel had a beer bottle in his hand and he sort of tripped, you know what he’s like when he’s drunk and then the next thing I know…" she trailed off spreading her hands.
Jack turned his very slowly watching as Daniel began to edge his way out of the infirmary. "Space monkey," he growled.
"Jack, look it was an accident."
"I am going to kill you Danny me boy." Jack began struggling to get out of bed and failing miserably.
"You will do no such thing. He’s your friend, forgive and grow from the experience," the angel said.
"Bollocks to that! Maim him, tear him limb from limb, get him back really good," the devil encouraged.
Daniel took advantage of Jack’s momentary distraction to bolt out the door. Jack recovered his wits enough to yell out after him, "Run Danny, run. I am going to get you so help me god!"
Janet followed him, saying she would check on him soon. Jack looked pleadingly at Teal’C and Carter but Teal’C was about to go home.
"Sorry sir, I really would love to stay and entertain you but I have a stack of work. Get some sleep." And they too left the infirmary.
Jack slumped down in his bed and glared at the angel and devil on his shoulders. "Just great. Now what am I supposed to do?"
******************
Jack collapsed onto the couch with a thud and a drawn out sigh. Sam had just dropped him home after Janet insisted that he not drive for the next day. After making sure he had food in the cupboard she left, saying she should be back later that night with Janet and Daniel if she could find out which rock he had hid under. Now that he was alone he could admit how exhausted he was. It wasn’t just the bump on his head that was making him tired. It was also the constant and annoying diatribe of the angel and the devil that seemed to have set up shop on his shoulders.
"Don’t worry about it Jack, you’ll get used to us," the angel smiled at him sweetly.
He groaned at the thought and also the sight of him smiling sweetly under a glowing halo was too much for him. "They aren’t real. I’m hallucinating because I have a bump on my head. They are not real," he told himself and began imagining all the tortures he would impose on Daniel.
"Now Jack, we are real. We are merely a visual aid that helps you see what you really want," the angel said placatingly.
"Ooh that’s creative," the devil said in admiration. "Torture him like that and he’ll never mess with you again."
"SHUT UP!"
"Jack, I really think we should talk about tonight," the angel began in a business like manner. "Now Sam and Janet and Daniel are coming over to spend down time with you. I want you to be on your best behaviour. That means no drinking, no hurting Daniel and no impure actions towards Sam."
"Yes Mother," Jack said sarcastically.
"What are you trying to do? Turn the man into a monk?" the devil asked in indignation. "Look Jacky boy, drink to excess, get up close and personal with Sam, smack Daniel around a bit. You’re only alive once, have some fun with it."
"Maybe I should just hide and cancel the whole thing?" Jack mused to himself.
"Yes," the angel cried fervently.
"No!" the devil looked aghast.
"Yes!"
"No!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"That’s it!" The Jack devil leapt over to the angel and began pummelling him with his fists.
"For crying out loud!" Jack stood up in exasperation. "Go away! Just get the hell away! You two are driving me insane!"
"When my baby, when my baby smiles at me I go to Rio…" the devil began to sing, tossing his leather jacket and creating a grass skirt out of thin air.
"Oh my god I’m watching me do the hula!" Jack groaned and collapsed face first on the couch. "So tell me, honestly, how do I get rid of you guys?"
"You can’t," the devil said softly, before breaking out in a tone deaf version of Madonna’s ‘Holiday’.
Jack closed him eyes, trying desperately to ignore the ‘mini hims’. His thoughts wandered for a time, finally settling on Sam and their present relationship. They were friends, good friends and he liked that a lot. He liked her a lot.
"What’s not to like?" asked the devil in Brooklyn accent. "She’s a good lookin’ broad."
"She is your team mate Jack! Think of her with more respect than ‘broad’."
‘Note to self: don’t think about Sam. Ever!’ Jack thought, realising immediately that he would continue to do so, even with constant argument from his angel and his devil.
"See? He can’t stop thinking about her. She got under his skin, she’s all he can think about. He’s hooked on her drug," the devil gloated to the angel.
"With discipline he can train himself not to think about her."
"Hello? Are you mental? Have you been through the archives of his mind? He remembers every single moment he has spent with Sam! Not to mention some of the times when he saw things that he shouldn’t have! Half of his memory bank should be labelled Sam! He isn’t going to forget her! He doesn’t have the will power to try and stop thinking about her in a non military way," the devil collapsed gasping slightly at his little tirade.
Jack blushed, what the devil had said was true but he had no wish to face truths like that. He kicked off his shoes and yanked his shirt off as he walked towards his bedroom. Leaving his trousers on he threw himself down on his bed, stuffed a pillow over his head and prayed anxiously for sleep.
******************
"Janet, can I talk to you for a sec?"
"Sure Daniel, sit down," Janet said ushering him into her office. "What’s this about?"
"I wanted to ask you for a favour, well 2 favours actually."
"Ask away," she said smiling at him.
He returned a quick smile and began, "Well firstly, please don’t let Jack kill me tonight. You know what he can be like and I really didn’t mean to knock him unconscious."
She looked at his anxious face and laughed. "Sure, I’ll threaten him with injections. And the second?"
He smiled at her gratefully. "Well the second could involve both us risking life and limb. Jack would probably kill me."
"You want me to protect you from Jack, only so you can do something that will incur his wrath again? Please do go on," she said, her interest growing.
"Well Sam will probably kill you. The way I see it, they are never going to get their shit together. So I propose we get their shit together for them."
Janet studied him for a minute. "You are completely right. Sam will kill me." She paused for a moment, weighing up the consequences. Sighing she continued, "But you are right, they are both so stubborn. Let’s set them up well and good. Any ideas on how to go about it?"
"Well I was thinking we start tonight. I mean its just some down time, that friends would normally spend together, very casual, nothing serious. My plan was awfully simple. Slip a romantic CD in the stereo, light a few candles, leave them a bottle of wine, feign sickness and get the hell out of there before Jack decides to axe me into little pieces," Daniel said waving his hands excitedly.
"And we can add a nice comfy rug in front of a lit fireplace, perhaps some strawberries, maybe we could disconnect Sam’s car battery on our way out, Jack’s too now that I think about it. Let’s not let her get away. Is there anyway we can disconnect Jack’s phone? So she can’t call a cab company?"
Daniel looked at her with undisguised admiration. "Janet you are one evil lady."
"Thank you sir, evil knows evil. Well let’s get shopping, we should really try to get to the Colonel’s house before Sam does."
"Let’s go then. Who gets to pretend to be sick?"
"I don’t really mind," Janet said, "Though I am a doctor, and you have a tendency towards injury."
"Cool," Daniel grinned at her. "I can play sick and you can be my nurse," he grinned at her suggestively.
Janet laughed uncontrollably at Daniel’s leery face. It just didn’t quite suit him. "C’mon you seedy old man, let’s get to the shopping."
******************
"Alright! Sam’s here, let the party begin!" the Jack devil crowed.
"We should wake him," the angel said, looking down at the sleeping Colonel. "What if she comes in here?"
"So much the better." The devil began a little victory dance.
"Jack," Sam called out from living room. "Are you home?"
Jack rolled over, snuggling deeper into his pillows. The angel began shaking his shoulder and yelling at him to wake up. The devil quickly jumped over and placed his hand over the angel’s mouth. Jack muttered something incoherent and drifted quickly back into sleep.
"Jack?" Sam asked again in a softer tone of voice. She stepped into the bedroom and leant against the door frame. A small smile crept over her face and saw her CO shirtless and snuggled up to the pillows. She continued to watch him for a few minutes before deciding that she really should wake him. She stepped closer and sat down the edge of the bed.
"About time!" the devil snarled, finally removing his hand from the angel’s mouth.
Sam gently nudged Jack’s shoulder. He rolled over towards her and opened his eyes drowsily. "Sam?" he asked softly.
"Hello sleepy head."
Jack rubbed his eyes, giving Sam a nice view of his chest. He caught her gaze and stretched out further with a saucy smile. She laughed in response to his unashamed display.
"Warning! Warning! Danger! Run Jack run, I’ll hold her back," cried the Jack angel, stepping in between him and Sam.
"For crying out loud!" Jack screamed.
"Don’t worry, you get used to it after a while," Sam said, laughing at him.
"Yeh right," Jack muttered sarcastically. A moment later, "Huh? What?"
"They are annoying yes, especially the angel but it gets better," Sam explained.
"How do you know what I’m seeing?" Jack was thoroughly confused now, as were the Jack angel and the Jack devil.
"Remember when *I* got hit in the head and knocked unconscious?" He nodded. "Well after that I started seeing a little me angel and a little me devil. When you woke up in the infirmary I could see yours."
Jack looked shocked and for once there were no sarcastic quips that came to mind. As he slowly gathered his thoughts together again, he saw vague outlines of a Sam angel and a Sam devil. They began to get clearer and he stared at them intently.
The Jack devil began to see them too and quickly leapt over to the Sam angel. The Sam devil immediately went for the Jack angel. Jack watched in astonishment as his and Sam’s angels were violently pursued by each others devils. However he quickly lost interest as Sam leant down and kissed him hesitantly.
She pulled back and looked at him uncertainly. He reached up for and pulled her down onto the bed with him. They started kiss more forcefully sliding their hands over each others bodies.
Janet and Daniel crept up the hallway to Jack’s bedroom. "I can’t believe she got here before us," Janet muttered disgruntled.
Daniel nodded. "Jack? Sam?" he called out. Upon hearing no answer, he and Janet continued towards Jack’s bedroom. "Oh my god," he whispered when he saw them.
Janet quickly stifled a giggle, not wanting Jack and Sam to know they were watching. After a moment, the 2 of them stepped back into the hall, looking at their picnic basket of goodies discontentedly.
"All this preparation, gone to waste," Daniel shook his head forlornly. "We had wine and candles and strawberries and…"
"Daniel!" Janet cut him off. "It doesn’t have to go to waste."
Daniel’s smile was like the sun coming up and he offered her his arm. "Shall we relocate this romantic plan to somewhere else? Say my place?"
"You’re on!" Hand in hand, the two of them left.
Jack raised his head and looked down at Sam. "Are they gone?"
She peered over his shoulder. "Yep, think so."
"Mmm, good!" he muttered before kissing her again.
Over in one corner, the Jack devil had the Sam angel pinned against the wall. "So what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"
The real Sam pushed Jack off her for a moment, "That’s your best pick up line?" she asked incredulously.
The Sam angel leant into the devil and said, "Waiting to be corrupted."
Jack laughed at Sam’s angel. "Oh Major, we have got to.."
She silenced him by kissing him and for the first time since he had ‘acquired’ his angel and devil, they were silent.
The End
******************
Anyone who sends feedback gets a virtual shiver shot (mm tequila mmm…) off Jack O’Neill’s body (mmm Jack…)
Story Notes: EMAIL: breniah@hotmail.com
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis & SJA please
SPOILERS: None that I can think of…
SEQUELS: Nope
AUTHORS NOTES: This came to me one sleep deprived night. I was thinking about the workings of Jack’s mind… not a good move.
FEEDBACK: Ooh yes please!! And everyone who sends me some gets a red lollipop (of the virtual kind)
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis & SJA please
SPOILERS: None that I can think of…
SEQUELS: Nope
AUTHORS NOTES: This came to me one sleep deprived night. I was thinking about the workings of Jack’s mind… not a good move.
FEEDBACK: Ooh yes please!! And everyone who sends me some gets a red lollipop (of the virtual kind)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]