Three months have passed since my hundred days in Edora, and now finally my request for leave has been approved and I'm going back. Funny how things change, things I thought would last forever are now nothing more then a faded memory. When I was there, with Laira, I was sure it was love. It was forever. It was my destiny. That’s why I made her that promise, and that’s why I filed for leave on Edora the second I got back (an act that got me more than a few hostile looks from the rest of the team).
For the first two weeks, I could still bring her image in my mind with ease, I would sit at nights thinking about her, now I have trouble remembering the color of her eyes, her face is nothing more then a blurred image of what it used to be. But I made a promise, and I always keep my promises.
"Ready to go sir?" I hear Major Carter’s voice echo in the locker room. Sam and I, we’ve been through a lot in the past few months. When I first got back, she was pretty pissed at me for a few weeks. I guess I hurt her with the way I acted when they rescued me. When I look back, I see I was a jerk. It took me some time, and a very very very long lecture from Daniel, to admit I was wrong. I should have said thank you. I should have hugged her and thanked her for sacrificing three months of her life to save me. But as usual I was a moron.
She did forgive me, after I went down on my knees and begged her in the lab, and things have been more or less the same between us. When we first met I used to stay up and wonder what it would be like to hold her, to love her. But that was in the beginning, since then we became friends, and I kept telling my self it would never be more. And I guess that after a while I started believing it, when you tell a lie often enough, even to yourself, it becomes true for a while.
"I’ll be right out Carter," time to face Laira. When I first go back, I couldn’t wait to go back to Edora again, now I fear it. I am not going back to continue what I started with Laira. I'm going back to finish it.
"Chevron 6 engaged." I hear the technician voice echo in the gate room.
"Have fun on your vacation sir." Sam gives me a small smile and walks out of the room before I can respond.
"Chevron 7 Locked." I raise my head to look at the event horizon that opened up in front of me, even after four years it is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.
"Enjoy your vacation Colonel." I give the general a small salute and I walk up the ramp.
"Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!" Daniel’s voice is the last thing I hear as I get sucked in to the wormhole.
Laira. She is standing next to the stargate, obviously waiting for me.
"Jack!" she runs to me, embracing me with a tight hug, "It is good to see you" gently she lets go and plants a small kiss on my lips.
"It is good to see you too Laira" that was not a lie. I am glad to see her, I am not, however, am glad to do what I am about to do. "We need to talk." She only smiled and pats me on the shoulder.
"After dinner we will talk. Now it’s time we go home."
We tried to shared a quiet meal together but most of the village, when hearing I was around, came to greet me, and what was meant to be a quiet dinner turned in to a party that stretched thought the night. I guess I passed out since I found myself sleeping on mattress on the floor with a heavy woolen blanket on top of me.
"Good morning," she smiled at me. "Have you slept well?"
"As well as can be expected." I guess I still haven’t learned to handle that Tolka.
"You mentioned something about needing to talk last night. I have something I need to say to you too. Why don’t we take a picnic basket and go somewhere quiet?"
Twenty minutes later we were settled under a tree not far from the village. I kept running scenarios in my mind, trying to find the best way to relay my feelings. I was going to start talking when Laira caught me completely by surprise and started talking herself.
"Roven has asked me to marry him, and I accepted." She lowered her eyes from my look.
"You accepted?" I asked slowly when what she said finally settled in my mind.
"I hope you are not mad. For a while all I could think of was you, and what we had together. But you were gone, and he is here. And I have my son to think about. You will always be welcome in my house Jack, but he will be my husband."
What could I say to that? I congratulated her and wished her a happy life. With the tension gone, I spent a happy month with the people of Edora. It was a true vacation. One I have not had for years. People pampered me and I even took time to teach Garan how to play field hockey. There was one black cloud over my vacation. I missed my team. Sam, Daniel and Teal’c they are my family.
When I look at Laira and Roven snuggling in front of the fire (they got married a week after I got here) I feel a twinge of envy. I don’t envy Roven for being the one to hold Laira. I envy both of them for having someone to hold. I miss my family, and most of all I miss Sam. I miss the technobabble. I miss the laughter. I miss the eyes. I miss her, even more than I did the first time. Maybe because now I know I’ll see her again. Maybe because I had too much time to think this past month. Thinking – nothing good can come out of it. Caught in my own thoughts I didn’t hear Laira approaching from behind.
"You miss her don’t you?" she asks as she sits down beside me.
"Yes" I answered knowing very well who she was referring to.
"You should tell her. Life is empty without someone to share it with."
"She’s under my command, she’s younger, she doesn’t think of me that way. It will never work out." I recited a part of the "why not" list that kept echoing in my mind.
"I never thought that you were a coward Jack." she said plainly as she got up to leave.
Half the village came out to wish me farewell the following morning. I patiently said my goodbyes to all, hugging and kissing, wishing well and good fortune. The last one in the line was Laira. As she hugged me she whispered in my ear:
"You are running away from yourself. Tell her how you feel, set yourself free" she placed a soft kiss on my cheek and left. Set yourself free. Funny how three little words can make such a difference.
***
"Welcome back!" I heard Daniel’s voice even before I completely got hold of myself after the ride. The young man caught me as I walked out of the stargate and held me in a tight hug.
"It is most pleasing to see you again O’Neill." for an outside observer it would seem that Teal’c didn’t give a damn if I was home or not, but I knew better, Teal’c was excited to see me, in a jaffa sort of a way.
"It's good to have you back sir." Sam looked amazing. Something has changed about her since I saw her, or was it just me who changed?
"If I didn’t know any better I would think you all missed me!" Sam tries unsuccessfully to muffle a laugh. It’s good to be home again.
"Did you tell him the big news Sam?" Daniel stares at Sam with anticipation.
"What big news?" Sam turned bright red at the question. Something has changed about her.
"Not now Danny! Let the man rest from his vacation!" She gave Daniel a small slap on his back, whatever the big news was I was not going to move from the spot till I heard it. They started a ‘if you’re not going to tell him – I’ll tell him’ argument and when those two argue it can last for months. They’re still arguing about who won at poker three months ago. I won by the way; I don’t know what Sam was on that night making her think she was the winner.
"For crying out loud! Will one of you tell me the big news already?"
"Sam is getting married!" Daniel shouted and my world went black.
"Married?" I slowly repeated his last word. I lowered my gaze to her hand only to be blinded by the diamond ring on her finger. "When did this happen? I thought you weren’t seeing anyone"
"I met Peter about a month ago, we fell in love and we’re going to get married in 6 months"
"That’s kinda fast aint it?" I tried to hide the pain in my voice.
"When its right, its right." is all she said. "Aren’t you going to congratulate me?"
"Oh sorry Carter, congratulations" why don’t I just stand there with a target mark on my chest and you can aim directly at it.
"You must be tired Jack, come on I’ll take you home" Daniel, sometimes he’s good to have around.
***
The second we got into the car I started interrogating Daniel about Sam’s fianc?.
"So? Who is he? Where did he come from? How long has this been going on?"
"You waited too long." he gave me a sad look.
"What are you talking about Daniel?" as if I didn’t know
"Sam. She waited, and waited, and you did nothing to show her how you feel. I know you Jack. You love her; I see it in the way you act around her, and still you did nothing!"
"I am not in love with Sam!" could I sound less pathetic please?
"I see you’re still lying to yourself. Set yourself free Jack." those three little words again.
"So who is he?" I tried to keep a steady voice and completely ignore the first part of the conversation.
"He works for the government, as a non military scientist. He’s actually a good guy."
"A good guy." I would rather he was a dead guy then a good guy.
"Something tells me you are not going to like him." he gave me an evil smile.
"Oh I have no problem with good guys. It’s scientists I have a problem with." I hate scientists.
The last thing Daniel said to me before dropping me off is what kept me awake at nights.
"She loves you too Jack. But she’s as stubborn as you are. If you don’t move fast you’re going to lose her." and with that he drove away. Great, there goes my good night’s sleep. I should have known better than to take a ride with Daniel. If his driving won’t kill you, you’ll be hanging yourself from frustration. What gave him the stupid idea that Sam loved me?
Sitting in front of the television that night, I kept replaying our conversation. ‘She loves you too’ kept popping up. I remembered her face when she first saw me after we reopened the gate on Edora. The smile lit her face, her eyes were filled with relief, and there was something else, something I never saw before. At the time I completely ignored it, I was focusing on Laira. After I came home I heard what she did for me. But I disregarded it as something she would have done for any member of the team, any member of the SGC as a matter of fact. But now I wonder. Set yourself free. I guess I’ll never know now, she’s marrying another. I’ve lost her forever.
The next five months passed rather quickly. We were going on standard missions together, just like before. I tried to keep things as normal as possible, never letting anyone see what I was feeling. Daniel caught on I think, but he never said anything, just the occasional understanding look. Sam was not making it any easier. She was always talking about Peter. He did that amazing thing he discovered this astonishing fact. He made that amazing whatchemacallit work with that gizmo (so I wasn’t paying attention – can you blame me?) It was hard to talk to her with out his name popping up. I guess it’s only normal, but it was killing me. It seems all the conversation we used to have, all the times she tried to explain something in English and not techno-talk were gone. She was getting married in a month.
I met Peter several times, and as much as I wanted to hate him, I couldn’t. Daniel was right, he was a decent guy, and he loved her. It shone through his eyes every time he looked at her. How I envy him. It’s just four short weeks till the happiest day of her life now. I look at her sleeping on the other side of the campfire. This is our last mission for a long time. Sam is on leave for the next month and a half. Wedding preparations are ahead of her, and the honeymoon. This is my last chance. Set yourself free. I get up slowly, avoiding the urge to step on Daniel’s head (he snores like a tortured cat), and sit next to her. She’s so beautiful in the firelight. Her face so peaceful, how I wish I could touch her now. I gently move one strand of hair from her face, that beautiful golden hair of hers.
"I love you," I whisper in her ear. I spent the rest of the night looking at her, studying every feature, every line, everything I couldn’t have.
***
"We’ve got to come up with something good!" Daniel was in high spirits the next week when we gathered to decide what to get Sam for her wedding.
"That goes beyond saying Daniel." Janet was giving us the woman’s point of view.
"Perhaps we could gather and celebrate her upcoming bonding?"
"A party Teal’c. Let’s have a party" I speak for the first time since we got here.
"That’s…" Daniel was going to finish that sentence, but the sight of Sam bursting into the bar, her eyes red from crying, her cheeks flushed from anger, stopped him from completing the thought.
"You lousy son of a bitch!" she shouted as she walked to us.
"Carter?" I got up to see who she was talking to when her hand impacted with my face. She can hit better then most men I know, I would feel that one for a while.
"You just couldn’t keep you big mouth shut!" she continued to hit my chest, but after the initial shock I grabbed her hands, with effort, and stopped her.
"Sam what are you talking about?" Janet tried calming her down
"The wedding is off!" she shouted and gave me an angry look "And its all your fault! I hope you’re happy now, Jack O’Neill" she gave me one last look before she stormed out of the bar with Janet following her.
"What was that about?" both Daniel and Teal’c were expecting explanations I couldn’t give them
"I have no idea" I tried to collect myself, replaying what I did that could have made her that angry.
"Well don’t you think you should find out?" gee thanks Daniel. I would have never come up with that one.
I grabbed my car keys off the table and drove as fast as I could to Sam’ s house, praying all the way that she would be home. From the lights and the sounds of female voices that came from inside I figured that Janet and Sam were both there. Gently I knocked on the door waiting for some response from the other side.
"I don’t want to see him" I heard Sam’s voice from behind the door. "Tell him to go away!"
Janet opened the door half way, not allowing me to catch even a glimpse of Sam.
"Hello colonel. She doesn’t want to talk to you"
"For crying out loud Janet! You want to tell me what the hell is going on?"
"All she said is that the wedding is off. What did you do to her?"
"If I knew what I did, I could fix it! I have no idea! I swear Janet!"
"Why don’t you let her calm down for a while and try again later? She’s really angry now, Whatever it is it can wait."
***
Waiting. I was never that good at waiting. I sit in my house with the lights off, replaying the past weeks in my head, trying to figure out what I did that was so horrible. In the background there is one CD on replay. I’ve gotten attached to these songs for some time now. I hear Sting’s voice coming out of the speakers, and I let myself drift into thoughts.
If he loved you Like I love you I would walk away in shame I'd move town, I'd change my name
When he watches you When he comes to buy your soul On your hand his golden rings Like he owns a bird that sings
When we dance Angels will run and hide their wings
The priests have said my soul's salvation Lies in the balance of the angels And underneath the wheels of passion I keep the faith in my fashion
When we dance Angels will run and hide their wings
I'm still in love with you
When we dance Angels will run and hide their wings
I'm gonna love you more than life If you'll only be my wife I'm gonna love you night and day I'm gonna try in every way
When we dance Angels will run and hide their wings
I'm gonna find a place to live Give you all I've got to give I would love you more than life If you'll only be my wife
If I could break down these walls And shout my name at heaven's gate I'd take these hands And I'd destroy the dark machineries of fate, The vehicles are broken Heaven's the one above Hellfire's a promise away I'd still be saying I'm still in love
He won't love you Like I love you He won't care for you this way He'll mistreat you if you stay
Come and live with me We'll have children of our own I would love you more than life If you'd come and be my wife
When we dance Angels will run and hide their wings
I'm gonna love you more than life If you'll only be my wife I'm gonna love you night and day I'm gonna try in every way
All night, again and again I played that song. Not much point in anything, sometimes I hate self-pity, but I'm so good at it. I have been sitting in the dark for hours now; suddenly I hear the sound of a car pulling up to my driveway. The knock on the door wakes me completely from the hypnotic state I’m in. I glance at the clock – 3 am. Sam, she came. Slowly I open the door, just to get hit another time by an angry fist. She pushes me aside and enters the room.
"Would you stop doing that?" that woman is going to kill me one of these days.
"You deserve it" she gives me an angry look and sits on the couch, turning on the lantern next to it, allowing me to see how tired and upset she is. Even in this state, she’s breathtaking.
"Mind telling me what I did that was so bad? And why the wedding is off?" I sit on the couch in a safe distance.
"I heard you" she lowers her eyes to the floor, as she speaks "That night on P4X-573, I wasn’t sleeping." What can I say to that? How can I fix this? As much as I want to, I cannot undo the past. "Well?" she looks at me with a look I have not seen since that day on Edora.
"Well what?" I'm so bad at this.
"Did you mean it?" she lifts her head and her eyes are staring right in to mine, no point in lying now, she knows the answer even before I say it.
"Yes" I say plainly.
"Dance with me" she slowly gets up and starches her hand to me. Slowly we dace to the still playing song in the background.
When we dance Angels will run and hide their wings
I'm gonna find a place to live Give you all I've got to give I would love you more than life If you'd only be my wife
I stare in her eyes as I repeat the last verse with the song; my words spoken through another man’s lips. She looks at me with tears in her eyes and the next thing I feel is her hand impacting my face once again sending me to the floor.
"Why did you do that??" this is getting to be really annoying!
"That was for waiting so long!" she says as she sits next to me on the cold floor. "And this is for finally saying it" she bends down and kisses me gently on the lips. Not a patient kiss, just a brief kiss, she pulls back too quickly.
"Will you?" thank god I'm sitting down, standing is not an option for my legs at the moment. They feel more like jelly then a grown man’s legs. She bends down to my ear, like a child with a secret she doesn’t want anyone to know of, her warm breath is driving my nuts. Slowly she whispers in my ear…
"Y…e…s"
I bend down and take her lips in mine, I want to show her how I feel, words have never been my strong suit. But when it comes to actions, there’s no better man for the job. I showed her how I felt that night, in every way I could.
I think Sam likes the fact that I'm not a man of many words…
THE END!
(what can I say I'm a sucker for happy endings! so sue me!!)
Story Notes: ARCHIVE: S&J Archive, yes Heliopolis, Yes. Others...please ask.
SPOILERS: 100 days.
AUTHORS NOTES: I felt Jack needed some angst :) so I let him have it!
FEEDBACK: Flames are most welcome!
SPOILERS: 100 days.
AUTHORS NOTES: I felt Jack needed some angst :) so I let him have it!
FEEDBACK: Flames are most welcome!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]