Well, she asked for everything to go back to normal, so I tried. It's not so very difficult. I always did have this longing for her, what I thought was a connection with her. I just always felt she felt it too. Or rather, I hoped she did. I never said anything because of her career. It was only in my darker moments that I thought maybe she didn't love me. And now I know my darker thoughts were true. She doesn't love me. She can't even bring herself to call me Jack.
So I behaved like before, calling her Captain or Carter, never Sam. Being sarcastic, careless, flippant. Only rarely allowing what I felt for her show in my face, and then only when her back was turned. But things had changed, irreversibly.
She didn't go back to normal. She was quiet, and reserved. She had an almost permanent worried expression on her face. I was gentle with her, but that only seemed to make her sadder, so I just kept away. I'd sooner hurt me than her.
One weekend, Jacob came visiting. He didn't stay long, just long enough to ask me what was the matter with his daughter. I told him.
"Jonas." was all he said. "Not just happy with screwing up his own life, he screws up hers too."
"I don't think its just Jonas."
He nodded, but stayed quiet. Then he and Sam left to visit Mark for the weekend. She didn't even say goodbye to me.
*****
So that was how come I was sitting in my house alone on Saturday night, just thinking. Thinking about her. Whether I could have done it differently. Wishing like hell I'd avoided saying anything. I just thought that she had known. It wasn't Jonas that had messed her up, it was me. i should have kept quiet. At least that way, we were close, we were friends. Now she couldn't bear to be with me.
There was a knock on the door, and for one hopeful second, I thought it was her... until I heard a familiar voice crying,
"Jack, let us in, its raining!"
Daniel. I opened the door to find him standing there with Teal'c.
"I have beer." Daniel said. "And there's pizza on the way." he added, stepping in. "Though whether any pizza guy will come out in this rain... its torrential, roads flooded everywhere."
"So we cannot leave." Teal'c continued.
"I'm not really in the mood..." I started to say.
"We know." Daniel continued. "We pretty much know everything. About you and Sam, I mean. That's why we're here."
"We have come to cheer you up." Teal'c added.
"Great." I said as I let them in. "What are you going to do, tell more Jaffa jokes?"
*****
An hour later, and I was feeling happier. It felt good to get mildly drunk, and talk about her. We swapped stories, memories, what we loved about her, what infuriated us. They knew how I felt. Teal'c pointed out that it had been obvious for some time.
Daniel dismissed my remarks about regulations, saying, "Well, we're hardly a conventional army base are we? And I happen to know that Major Tomlinson and Captain Jones have been together for a while, and no-one's done anything about them."
"It's no use. I screwed up, Danny. I had one chance and I blew it. She doesn't love me."
They exchanged glances.
"Are you sure?" Teal'c asked.
"She said so." I replied, burying my head in my hands. "I asked her, and she told me. Oh God." I suddenly said. "I made a hell of mess of it all, didn't I?"
Danny opened his mouth, no doubt to say something profound, but he was interrupted by the doorbell.
"Pizza." Teal'c said. "He is an hour late."
"Well can you blame him? It's raining cats and dogs out there." Danny replied. I got up to answer it, leaving Daniel to explain exactly why small domestic pets were falling from the sky. It wasn't the pizza guy.
It was Sam.
I stared at her for a moment, unable to believe she was there. Then I saw she was soaked through, totally drenched to the skin, and shivering with cold.
"Oh for crying out loud." I said, pulling her indoors. "What the hell are you doing out in this weather?"
She was shaking, freezing cold, and I called out to Teal'c to get towels, and Danny to make hot chocolate. After a moment staring at Sam, they rushed off. I sat her down on the sofa in front of the fire, and wrapped a blanket round her, rubbing her arms to warm her up.
"What are you doing out on a night like this?" I asked.
"Car broke down." she stammered.
"Where were you going, at this time of night, in a rain storm? And where's Jacob?"
"At Mark's. I was coming to see you."
She looked at me, through her sodden hair, her eyes wide and blue, and I realised it wasn't just rain on her face. I wanted to talk, to ask her why then and there, why she had run out into the rain to see me, but I had to get her warm and dry before she got ill.
"Go upstairs. Get changed into something dry. I know my stuff won't fit, but at least it's not dripping wet."
She smiled gently, and went upstairs.
Danny returned with the chocolate. "I guess we'd better leave." he said.
"Danny, its pouring down and..."
"Actually, Teal'c's a very good driver. We'll be fine. Just... look after her, ok?"
I nodded.
*****
She came down ten minutes later, wrapped in a pair of my jeans and an old shirt. They were way too big, and she had to roll the sleeves and legs up, and they made her look like a child. I thought she had never looked lovelier, standing in my house, wearing my clothes, drinking my hot chocolate out of my mug, but I said nothing. I had no words.
She smiled sweetly at me, the first time she'd smiled at me since I'd told her I loved her, and sat down on the sofa. I remained sitting on the carpet, kneeling at her feet. It seemed the right place to be.
"So," I asked, trying to make my voice seem light. "What the hell were you doing driving around during the second flood?"
"I had a good long talk with Dad." she said. "And there were a few things he thought I should tell you. And a few things he made me see. For someone who doesn't even live on this planet, he seems to know a lot of what's going on. After we had talked, I knew I couldn't wait, I had to see you. To explain."
"Sam, you don't need to..."
"Shh." she said gently, placing her fingers on my lips briefly. "Just be quiet for once, and let me talk."
I nodded.
"Jonas... well, you know about Jonas. A charming member of the lunatic fringe. I thought I'd loved him. I also thought I'd destroyed him when I left him. I said I'd never allow that situation to happen again, no more madmen, no more emotionally damaged men needing my healing. I was staying away from love, and need. Imagine my reaction when I realised I was falling in love with another charming member of the lunatic fringe."
I held my breath. I could hardly believe what I was hearing.
"I was frightened. I thought if I allowed you to love me, if I loved you, the whole thing could happen again. It was like Jonas's ghost followed me around, constantly coming between the two of us. Every time I thought of you, imagined what us would be like, I'd see him, and realise it could all happen again. No matter that what I felt for you was different, stronger then what I felt for him. All I could think of was how bad Jonas and I got towards the end. Well, you know what it was like, I told you long ago. Then I talked to Dad. He pointed out that any problems Jonas has were his own. I did nothing wrong. Nothing was my fault. I didn't make him a monster, he did that all by himself. And he also made me realise something else. There was no need to be frightened. You see, the whole time I've known you, whenever I've been with you, whether we've faced death or disease or nightmares, I've never been frightened for myself when you have been there."
She stopped, and looked down at me. I thought... I hoped I could see what I wanted in her eyes, but I was still unsure. I needed to know, needed to be sure, before I did something stupid again, and ruined everything. "Sam, what are you saying?"
She touched my cheek. "That I love you."
She'd said it. She meant it. It had happened. I couldn't move, for fear of breaking the moment, destroying the illusion.
"Jack?"
My name. She'd finally called me Jack.
"Jack, I would like you to kiss me now."
So I did. I leaned forward and kissed her. She tasted of chocolate, and salty tears, and it was the sweetest taste ever. "Just keep calling me Jack," I whispered. "Just Jack."
THE END.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]